Well it's been a few more days and I haven't had any other attacks of paranoia or panic. My sister talked to me about it a bit and I feel much better. I still sometimes just feel kind of scared for no reason, but it lasts about 10 seconds and then I feel better after I plug in my headphones and listen to some ISIS. Again, they've freed my soul of fear.

I'm pretty certain by now that Threshold of Transformaton is my 2nd favorite song by them ever, right after BatE. All of their songs are masterpieces but these two have really just affected my being in a way that nothing else ever has. They like.. are part of me now. I can't freaking believe they played BOTH of them at De Effenaar.. that was my dream lineup and I couldn't barely even hear Aaron's guitar. I feel like I kind of blew a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's ok, I'll catch them again hopefully but it will probably be a while before they come back to Chicago. And I PRAY that I'll be there.

Yesterday Lars and I walked in a direction we had never gone before. We started to go up the steps to cross this bridge and I was in the middle of explaining something.. we were having a really nice time and he was being really sweet to me.. but then he stopped me and turned me around and kissed me so very lovingly and touched my face. I haven't felt something like that in a while. My knees went weak and it was like my first kiss or something.. I mean, he's always very affectionate and loving to me but he gives me a lot more cute kisses than .. kysses. It was just so heavenly. I love him more than the whole world. I feel the worst pain in my stomach when I think about leaving. I wish 'leaving' and 'see you again' weren't part of our vocabularies anymore. It's ok though.. just 8 more months of school. Right? God I hope so.

I'm so glad my mom is finally doing better. So so glad.

I think I'm starting to go crazy. I definitely have some kind of paranoia disorder. I randomly keep getting these horrendous ideas about people or myself dying or how insignificant everything about life is and it scares the crap out of me. I think I need to talk to a therapist. I feel so alone and afraid of everything. I don't know what caused this. It just started happening badly over the past week. I have always had some slight paranoid thoughts in the past now and then, but this has gotten very bad lately. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without thinking something horrific. I hope this goes away.. I need to not be alone anymore.. I need to keep busy to get my mind off of it. Watching the news doesn't help.. all reporters talk about is death and murder and bombings or war. It's never going to end.. how can they expect every person in the world to not be selfish or greedy and advocate world peace? It just can't stop. I wish I had some better channels that didn't mention death or anything frightening.

It rained last night, the flowers are lovely today.

I don't believe in world peace. Human beings are competitive by nature, which is the root of all the problems. We are greedy and only want to "help" the people we love. Two people in an empty room will already begin to judge each other and find what they don't like about each other before they even say a single word. It's outrageous to think people could, much less expect them to get along with everybody, share their resources and property and spend their time caring for others.

I just saw a segment on the news where they build a racecar that runs off of chocolate.. and that is "wasn't fast enough to win a race." Ok.. why are they even WASTING chocolate for something like that? And why build a car that has to go super fast? We already have more than enough ways to fuel cars. And why is it SO important that our cars are able to go so quickly? People waste so many resources on bullsh!t.

Not everything in life needs to have a loud, fast engine and chrome plating. Get over the shiny-syndrome you braindead fools.

If there's one thing I miss about home while I'm in Europe, it's all the summer festivals. 4th of July, the carnivals, the events, the staying up late and hanging out with friends.. there's so much more to it all. They're all like their own entities with drama and fun and mystery. I guess that's what people hate about those things when they're going thru them, but when you don't get to be part of them, it's a really lonely feeling.
I miss 4th of July. I miss my friends. And I miss my parents. But I miss Lars so much more than all of those things when I'm away from him. So I will continue to come be with him. It's just too difficult to have him come to Chicago to stay. Plus he needs to work. I don't NEED to work, because I'm still in school and need to live with my parents.
I don't know why I feel sad right now. I hate thinking about leaving him.

Kalle and Elin are here this weekend. They're so lucky they get to stay together. Every non-long distance couple is.

I feel soooooooo good lately <3
endorphins ftw