Well it's been a few more days and I haven't had any other attacks of paranoia or panic. My sister talked to me about it a bit and I feel much better. I still sometimes just feel kind of scared for no reason, but it lasts about 10 seconds and then I feel better after I plug in my headphones and listen to some ISIS. Again, they've freed my soul of fear.

I'm pretty certain by now that Threshold of Transformaton is my 2nd favorite song by them ever, right after BatE. All of their songs are masterpieces but these two have really just affected my being in a way that nothing else ever has. They like.. are part of me now. I can't freaking believe they played BOTH of them at De Effenaar.. that was my dream lineup and I couldn't barely even hear Aaron's guitar. I feel like I kind of blew a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's ok, I'll catch them again hopefully but it will probably be a while before they come back to Chicago. And I PRAY that I'll be there.

Yesterday Lars and I walked in a direction we had never gone before. We started to go up the steps to cross this bridge and I was in the middle of explaining something.. we were having a really nice time and he was being really sweet to me.. but then he stopped me and turned me around and kissed me so very lovingly and touched my face. I haven't felt something like that in a while. My knees went weak and it was like my first kiss or something.. I mean, he's always very affectionate and loving to me but he gives me a lot more cute kisses than .. kysses. It was just so heavenly. I love him more than the whole world. I feel the worst pain in my stomach when I think about leaving. I wish 'leaving' and 'see you again' weren't part of our vocabularies anymore. It's ok though.. just 8 more months of school. Right? God I hope so.

I'm so glad my mom is finally doing better. So so glad.