I think I'm starting to go crazy. I definitely have some kind of paranoia disorder. I randomly keep getting these horrendous ideas about people or myself dying or how insignificant everything about life is and it scares the crap out of me. I think I need to talk to a therapist. I feel so alone and afraid of everything. I don't know what caused this. It just started happening badly over the past week. I have always had some slight paranoid thoughts in the past now and then, but this has gotten very bad lately. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without thinking something horrific. I hope this goes away.. I need to not be alone anymore.. I need to keep busy to get my mind off of it. Watching the news doesn't help.. all reporters talk about is death and murder and bombings or war. It's never going to end.. how can they expect every person in the world to not be selfish or greedy and advocate world peace? It just can't stop. I wish I had some better channels that didn't mention death or anything frightening.

It rained last night, the flowers are lovely today.

I don't believe in world peace. Human beings are competitive by nature, which is the root of all the problems. We are greedy and only want to "help" the people we love. Two people in an empty room will already begin to judge each other and find what they don't like about each other before they even say a single word. It's outrageous to think people could, much less expect them to get along with everybody, share their resources and property and spend their time caring for others.

I just saw a segment on the news where they build a racecar that runs off of chocolate.. and that is "wasn't fast enough to win a race." Ok.. why are they even WASTING chocolate for something like that? And why build a car that has to go super fast? We already have more than enough ways to fuel cars. And why is it SO important that our cars are able to go so quickly? People waste so many resources on bullsh!t.

Not everything in life needs to have a loud, fast engine and chrome plating. Get over the shiny-syndrome you braindead fools.

If there's one thing I miss about home while I'm in Europe, it's all the summer festivals. 4th of July, the carnivals, the events, the staying up late and hanging out with friends.. there's so much more to it all. They're all like their own entities with drama and fun and mystery. I guess that's what people hate about those things when they're going thru them, but when you don't get to be part of them, it's a really lonely feeling.
I miss 4th of July. I miss my friends. And I miss my parents. But I miss Lars so much more than all of those things when I'm away from him. So I will continue to come be with him. It's just too difficult to have him come to Chicago to stay. Plus he needs to work. I don't NEED to work, because I'm still in school and need to live with my parents.
I don't know why I feel sad right now. I hate thinking about leaving him.

Kalle and Elin are here this weekend. They're so lucky they get to stay together. Every non-long distance couple is.

I feel soooooooo good lately <3
endorphins ftw

I'm trying that milk/lemon juice solution to making your skin fairer/smoother. Let's see how it goes! As much as I hate milk, I'm willing to wipe it all over my face for the opportunity to have clearer skin. I'm 22.. I shouldn't have acne anymore ffs.
I had such a cool dream last night.
Not worrying about things or having stress always makes me able to sleep really well and have really creative, adventurous dreams. When I'm stressed I have horrible nightmares. But when I'm not my dreams always are so colorful and scenic with really extraordinary storylines. It's really great.
Reading now!

I figured I might as well blog a bit, since I've got a lot of spare time today. I'm so glad it's finally Friday. I've been feeling so depressed and lonely all week. I dunno what's wrong with me. I just miss Lars a lot while he's at work, and he's had to stay late for the past few days so I see him even less.
I like being here alone during the day.. I always find tons of stuff to do, but that's just the thing.. I wish I could be doing them with my friends. I can't wait till Maria gets here.
I've been trying to work out consistently, and I definitely see more tone in my abs. My biggest problem I think is my legs. I feel so insecure about them because I'm so short and they're never going to be a mile long and super slim, but I've been doing tons of squats and lunges to try and just get them to be more muscular. I like my body but I want to get rid of some of the unnecessary curves here and there. Plus just the fact that working out gives you more energy, endorphins, etc. Running is the biggest chore. I wish I could be one of those people who just loves to run religiously, and does it for like an hour straight every day, but I have to force myself to do it now and then, and then I just want to get it over with so I run through the park and when I've listened to most of my good songs I'm done.
My mom had to have her gallbladder removed 2 days ago. She's thankfully back and home and doing better, but it hurts me so much to know how much she has to go through every day. If it's not one thing making her sick, it's another. Nobody deserves to be in that much pain. She's not even a bad person. She's made more mistakes than most probably, but she genuinely has learned from them and is sorry and has tried her absolute best to remedy them. I can't say that for anybody else.
Some guy sold me a CD yesterday on the street. I think he might have been flirting with me but at least I got it for only 3 euro instead of the 15 he originally wanted. He was American too. The best part is that it's actually a really really good CD. Tons of downtempo, reggae/hip-hip influenced stuff. It's great background music. Really groovy. The name of the band was Audiopharmacy.. he said they were touring throughout Europe. Maybe they'll become famous and I'll have a rare CD! That would be pretty sweet.
The past 2 times I bought magoes they were overripe. I hope that lady fixes her sh!t at the fruit market. At least they're only 33 cents each. Sometimes she sells them 4 for a euro, but they're usually really bad by then. Oh well, I'll figure something out.
Ok I'm going to go sunbathe and read or something.

I found my iPod. I have 3 now including my new one whose battery lasts about 24 hours. Much better than the 2-3 of the old ones.

So busy for the past month... school is awesome, I love my classes and professors and going downtown in the morning. It was such a good decision to transfer to Roosevelt.

Lars came and went. It was the best week of my life, as usual when he's around. Everything is so complete and whole and homey when he's around.

Stuff to do. The weather is quite nice out.