It's been 2 weeks in Sweden now.  I'm kind of wanting to go back to Rotterdam.  I'm pretty bored here, and Lars, as usual, doesn't try to think of anything to do.  It's a bit frustrating.

So I'm coming back to Chicago on the 17th.  I keep having dreams I'm already back there, and I absolutely hate every one of them.  I hate the idea of going home.  My emotionally-unstable mother is going to drive me nuts.  I hope I can find a job asap that will allow me to move out of that house.  I really can't be around my parents all the time.

I'm also worried because I don't have enough money for anything anymore.  It's stressful, but I know there's a way around everything, so I'm not too concerned.

I'll start applying for more jobs next week.  I already applied for a few but the filled the positions before I was able to go in for an interview, which is understandable.

I'm wondering lately about having a dream.  I don't have any long-term goal or dream.  I just want every day to be good-natured, safe and full of love.  That doesn't help much when you have to think about a career path, or buying a house or having babies down the line.  I can think of a TON of things I'd love to do, or be when I'm older, but I really have no idea which one to pick.  Because you have to pick just one and stick with it, otherwise you won't become proficient in anything.

I also feel like I'm done with asking other people about religion.  I set out to learn about the big 3 on my own, without peoples' influence, and I've already let that happen to a great extent.  I don't want culture to have any effect on what the actual religion is about.  So when I get home, I'm going to read the bible and take it at face value.

Sighhhhhhh

http://latestvideolyrics.blogspot.com/2010/11/t-ara-why-are-you-being-like-this.html

I found the proper jogging-route by the river.  I went the wrong way last time and ended up running by a bunch of car-shops and creepy mechanics looking at me.  This way is far less populated and it's between the river and a low-traffic road so I don't have to worry about weirdos.  Plus, it's gorgeous.  The weather has been really perfect for running lately.
I used to really hate running,  but I haven't done it in about two weeks and I've really been missing it.  I guess it grows on you.  An acquired taste of fitness!

Lately I can see two paths for everything.  I really don't know which way to go anymore.  I can be this kind of person, or that kind.  Either one might help me or hurt me, and I can't choose, so I just stay in a safe zone and get nowhere.
I don't know if I should be worrying about what other people think, or if I should just worry about what makes me happy and not care about others.  Problem is, if I do that, I innately become such a recluse that I end up really lonely and depressed.  So I feel like I really should or need to be more social, but when I do that, I become.. well, dumber.  I can't explain why.  I'm just not meeting the right kinds of people I guess.

어떻게?????

"The heart glows, and a secret unrest gnaws at the roots of our being. Modern man or woman lives with a spiritual emptiness that was once easily filled by religion or mythology."

 

Need to meditate.

Here I am in Rotterdam again.
It was a great weekend.  Went to Lund, Sweden to celebrate Lars' cousin's wedding.  It was lovely, in this church that is probably twice as old as my native country.  Quite amazing.  Everybody was saying there was too much "God" mentioned by the priest though.. which was a bit awkward for me.  I thought it was wonderful.  What's the point in marriage without God anyway?  That's.. kind of how it originated.  Otherwise they should have just gone to town-hall and signed the papers.  But whatever, everybody was so nice and I love being around them.  Lars's brothers are really really wonderful.  I feel like they're my brothers too, in a way.  Basically, I love Sweden and I wish we could live there.

So anyway, we're back in Rotterdam and I've unpacked and set up  my PC.  It turns on finally, and runs alright, but a lot of the cooling paste disappeared when the pcu fell out of the mobo, so it overheats now.  Gonna have to run to the store tomorrow and pick up some more of that.  I've got to make a list actually..
Cooling paste, stuff for dinner, socks.  I also have to try and return this pair of jeans I bought from Topshop.  I don't know if they can take them back since I bought them in another country, but it's worth a shot if I can get my $75 back.  I won't be too disappointed if they can't though.. because they're REALLY nice jeans.  So soft!

I hope I'll be able to get used to this city soon.  I really need to get a map of the area so I won't get lost.  All the streets in the Netherlands are severely disorganized.  They just go too and fro, and I've got no clue how people can manage the sidewalks, streets and bicycle lanes all at once.  It's gonna take a lot of getting used to.  Then again, I was able to survive in Amsterdam.

Gonna try and get back to sleep now.

I'm going back and forth from numb to completely overwhelmed.  My emotions are very unpredictable.  I feel so much tension and frustration inside of me that I can't possibly feel love or happiness or anything.  I'm so tired of feeling this bitterness.  I so easily point out flaws in others and feel no tolerance for any of their crap.  I seriously am so good at keeping track of the things I don't like about people.  Maybe that's a good thing sometimes, and I feel that I've trained myself to not forget when people screw me over even in the slightest way, so I can use it against them later.  But it doesn't just go into my memory bank.. it's like all these thoughts are giving me such a short fuse lately.
Ug.. I wish I could figure out my issues.  I just want to get out of this house and get my life started.

I need to quit my job.  My brain seriously feels like it's shrinking down to nothing.  This past year of my life has been so.. like, I've accomplished nothing.  All I've done is work a menial job and hang around.  I've had a lot of fun, and done some awesome things this summer, but I need to do something worthwhile that is gonna help me.
Pretty sure I'm gonna move back to Europe this fall.

I'm working for a guy who takes out his frustration on his employees.  It sucks.  I got yelled at for 20 mins today for something I didn't do wrong.  And when I could finally get a word in to explain what I did and why, he already realized I was right and just laughed it off as if it wasn't a big deal he not only belittled me for his own sense of boss-dom, but he also indirectly threatened to fire me, because he thought I put a few items in the wrong place in the back of the store.  Like, within 5 feet of where he thought they should have gone.  But I was right the first time.  What a freaking dbag.
And then he took another 10 mins explaining to me that he can't communicate with me because I try to "challenge his ways" or something completely retarded, and he only sees things in black and white, and I should too.  Well, I don't.  And I can't just give him yes and no answers, especially when the answer requires an explanation.  Such as "I put those items in that pile because they're NEW, and can't be put on the shelves yet."  That can't be said with a yes or a no, if he's just ranting at me me "You didn't listen to where I said to put things".  I feel seriously pissed off at him right now.  He comes to work all pissed off and stressed out, and so he picks on one little thing I did "wrong" (which I didn't really, he was just confused).  I've never had to work with somebody with such a crooked stick up their ass before.

I'm not a pessimistic person.  Really.  I'm more positive and forward-thinking than most people I know.  But I really believe somebody has put a curse on my family.  Things have just gotten worse and worse (as in, now some people's lives are at risk) up until this point, and who knows what is going to happen next.  I can't do anything for myself because everything else is up in the air.  This is just.. bad.  I don't know what to think anymore.  I'm kind of numb to bad news.
I should channel this into something creative before it turns into rage and I end up doing something I regret because I've been burying all my fears for too long or some crap.  But I'm pretty level-headed, so I think I'll get out of this ok.  What I cannot stand, or bear to watch, is my dad suffering.  I can't even leave his side right now.  I wish I could go to work with him just so I could protect him.  I haven't gone out with my friends in over a week now just because I feel the need to be home with him in all of my spare time.
Things will change after this current ordeal.  Still haven't gotten any payment on my medical claim from the car accident.  Talk about slackers, liars and cheats = Horace Mann insurance.


I did, however, get my bachelor's degree.  It's sitting on my shelf collecting dust while I'm working part time and applying for countless jobs.  I don't even remember what jobs I have applied for anymore.  It's just become a mindless task.. filling out online applications, uploading my resume, answering some survey questions.  I'm a pro at this by now.  Too bad there are no jobs for filling out job applications.  Or are there?  *lightbulb*

Oh well.

My life is like I'm standing in an open meadow.  There are no other people.  I hear birds.  The weather is lovely and the sun is shining.  But I've got a cut that I need to care for and there are no supplies.

I have been feeling so tired all day.  Dazzle stayed the night which was nice.  I talked to Troy for about 10 mins then had to leave..  I hate missing him..  but I feel resentment towards him anyway so.. meh.

Got new glasses/prescriptions today as well.  Well, the glasses will be made by the end of the week.. but yeah.. my eyes just keep getting worse.

I need to keep applying for jobs and see what happens.

Huge snow storm tomorrow.  I'm  not looking forward to driving in it at all.  If it's really bad I'm going to call Mik and tell him I can't make it in.  Blah.

I'm just another 20-something woman who can't find a job, with my Bachelor's degree and little work experience.

I feel so depressed, hopeless and discouraged.  It's awful.  Nobody wants people like me in the work field.  It's the worst feeling ever.

I thought I would be so much more relieved after I graduated.  I feel only worse, more abandoned and completely obsolete.  Almost suicidal.  I don't know what to do with myself at all.