I managed to fall asleep pretty easily last night.. not until about 2 am (because my parents were up so late), and then sleep pretty soundly, but then I got woken up at 6.30 to take my dad to a doctor's appointment. I don't know if I should try and get a bit more sleep or not, because if I sleep 3 or 4 more hours I won't be able to sleep again tonight. Regulating a sleep schedule is a LOT of work and exhaustion, but you need to be merciless or you'll never get it. I'm just so tired of sleeping till 11 or noon. I'm not 16 anymore, and I'm going to have a TON of stuff to do in the morning from now on, so I can't be attending class half asleep because I didn't get to bed until 2 am.
Maybe I'll just rest for an hour.

I am so frustrated at myself. I find it so easy to make myself work out almost every day now, and I do it for about 30 mins aerobic, plus I lift weights for some strength training, but I still haven't really curbed my eating habits. I usually don't eat a lot of one thing, but when I think that I want something, I always just go get it. Even if I don't finish it, I still see that it's bad, and it's making it very difficult to actually lose weight. I've toned up a lot but I want to get slimmer. I just need to make myself say no when I think I want something.

Ok back to sleep just for a little bit now.

Last night was pretty awful. However, today was good. I'm really glad I've gotten the strength and motivation built-in to actually work out when I'm stressed or upset. It really does make me feel 100% better. If I'm angry or sad or missing someone, I just go work it out and it reminds me that all I need to worry about is my own happiness, and that other people can kiss my sexy, sweaty ass.

I love artichoke hearts. I've begun to get over my taste aversion to mushrooms, and I usually end up eating them favorably. Still can't get past onions though. I would obliterate them from the planet if I had the power.

What to do with my night now... I will go do some laundry and then play it by ear.

Bad nights beget bad dreams

I visited my grandpa in the hospital today. He blacked out and was unconscious 3 days ago, and they realized that he had a lung infection that was inhibiting his intake of oxygen. Some antibiotics fixed him up tho and he should be going home tomorrow. Poor guy. It was great to see him doing well. When you get a phone call that your 80 year old grandfather, with lung cancer, was found unconscious and unresponsive, you tend to panic and think the worst. Thanks to peoples' prayers and great doctors/nurses, he's doing well again.

Kate Winslet won the first award tonight at the Golden Globes. I didn't see whatever movie it was she won for but she's a great actress and should win regardless.
I've felt very full all day. I will eat a tiny bit and feel like my stomach is going to burst. It's very uncomfortable.

I'm going to bed soon.

I am up. It is early. I will NOT take a nap. I need a regular sleep schedule, and I will get it if it kills me. There's not much to eat here. I have to get hot rollers and hair gel today. I curled my hair the other day and it looked sooo beautiful but it wasn't enough. My hair never holds a curl, so I want some gel or cream that will hold it all day if I curl it. A curling iron takes like 30 mins to do the job, so hot rollers will do.
I missed Anthony Bourdain going to Sweden on the 9th. I waited a week for it, even wrote it down in my planner, and then completely forgot about it when the time came. Sighhh. Good thing they play reruns like 39/7.

waiting

I need to move out. I am too old for this crap still. I don't know how it happens, but as soon as I get within 20 feet of my parents I get so defensive and cranky and I can't stand them or myself. My mom and I have such different personality types, and they really conflict and contrast and do not mesh well. Also she is always depressed. For like, the past 10 years, she's constantly been depressed about something, and I have no sympathy for people who choose to wallow in pity, so that leaves me with even less patience. It's horrible, because she's staying so strong after so much crap has happened to her, but I just feel like she needs to look to the future and see good in her life instead of forever dwelling on things she feels should have been different.

School is starting in a few weeks, and I can't wait to start going. I want to meet new people, make more friends, get some work done.. the sense of accomplishment you get from school is like none other. I just hope I have the self control not to throw it away this time. I'm getting tired of everyone around me being so childish and selfish, so I'm hoping I'll end up meeting some people with a positive attitude and outlook, that won't be 2-faced and toss me to the side when they find something else to play with. That last statement might have been filled with some grudginess. The point is, I just want to get some work done. Note to self: email that woman about working for the school newspaper. I'd love to get that kind of exposure and experience. Also, I have to find out soon what books I'm going to need, etc.

I'm so bored right now. In general. Nothing is happening, no Lars to keep me feeling fulfilled daily, I weeded out pretty much all but 4 of my friends, I've got no car or job (not that I haven't been trying desperately to get one) and I can't really do anything without ideas. I feel like I'm wasting these days away.. which is always a horrible feeling, but really, I just can't think of anything to do with my limitations. I go for walks, exercise, listen to good music, relax, sleep.. which is great but it's so dumb. I can't even continue reading the Twilight series (which really isn't very good.. I just don't want to stop in the middle) because the third book isn't out in paperback, and I'm not spending $25 on a hardcover.

Maybe something new will happen. Lars starts his new job Monday, and I'm sooo happy for him, but I also kind of feel like it's taking us one step further away from each other. Also I am terrified of him flying on a plane so often, back and forth to Amsterdam every weekend. We'll see anyway. He is still everything I could ever ask for.. except the one big one. How can two people who are perfect for each other live so far away? Does that negate the whole idea of being perfect together? Because we might be perfect... but we're not together. It's very very hard. I miss him so much but I think I'm being good and strong about it all. Just a bit longer, is all I can tell myself, over and over. It's worth it in the end, helps too.

It's impossible to find pants in stores that are the correct length. I'm 5'4", which means I either wear the regular length stuff, which is about an inch too long, or I wear the short lengths, which are like two inches two short. I end up buying the regular stuff but then I have to roll up the bottoms of the legs which SUCKS cuz it looks retarded, but I really don't want to not do it and then ruin them in the first month. I wish there was a brand that made jeans for people exactly my height. Most of the girls I know are my same height, so what's the problem? Fs.