waiting

I need to move out. I am too old for this crap still. I don't know how it happens, but as soon as I get within 20 feet of my parents I get so defensive and cranky and I can't stand them or myself. My mom and I have such different personality types, and they really conflict and contrast and do not mesh well. Also she is always depressed. For like, the past 10 years, she's constantly been depressed about something, and I have no sympathy for people who choose to wallow in pity, so that leaves me with even less patience. It's horrible, because she's staying so strong after so much crap has happened to her, but I just feel like she needs to look to the future and see good in her life instead of forever dwelling on things she feels should have been different.

School is starting in a few weeks, and I can't wait to start going. I want to meet new people, make more friends, get some work done.. the sense of accomplishment you get from school is like none other. I just hope I have the self control not to throw it away this time. I'm getting tired of everyone around me being so childish and selfish, so I'm hoping I'll end up meeting some people with a positive attitude and outlook, that won't be 2-faced and toss me to the side when they find something else to play with. That last statement might have been filled with some grudginess. The point is, I just want to get some work done. Note to self: email that woman about working for the school newspaper. I'd love to get that kind of exposure and experience. Also, I have to find out soon what books I'm going to need, etc.

I'm so bored right now. In general. Nothing is happening, no Lars to keep me feeling fulfilled daily, I weeded out pretty much all but 4 of my friends, I've got no car or job (not that I haven't been trying desperately to get one) and I can't really do anything without ideas. I feel like I'm wasting these days away.. which is always a horrible feeling, but really, I just can't think of anything to do with my limitations. I go for walks, exercise, listen to good music, relax, sleep.. which is great but it's so dumb. I can't even continue reading the Twilight series (which really isn't very good.. I just don't want to stop in the middle) because the third book isn't out in paperback, and I'm not spending $25 on a hardcover.

Maybe something new will happen. Lars starts his new job Monday, and I'm sooo happy for him, but I also kind of feel like it's taking us one step further away from each other. Also I am terrified of him flying on a plane so often, back and forth to Amsterdam every weekend. We'll see anyway. He is still everything I could ever ask for.. except the one big one. How can two people who are perfect for each other live so far away? Does that negate the whole idea of being perfect together? Because we might be perfect... but we're not together. It's very very hard. I miss him so much but I think I'm being good and strong about it all. Just a bit longer, is all I can tell myself, over and over. It's worth it in the end, helps too.