I think I'll blog a bit.  Haven't written anything here in years.  It feels a little funny, but I think I started holding in a lot of my thoughts and feelings over the past few months, and I shouldn't get back in that habit.
Summer is finally here again!  I'm really hoping Geri and I can move someplace before winter... I really can't take anymore cold weather.  I'm really looking forward to heat and sweating and feeling the burning sensation of the sun on my skin.  I will NOT complain about heat this summer.
Last night I saw Godzilla with my parents.  It was a reeeally good movie.  So many amazing scenes that got your adrenaline pumping.  I'd definitely go see it again.  It was so nice to do something with my parents, especially that my dad so obviously enjoyed.  I really am starting to appreciate them more and more every day.  I was reading old LJ posts of mine, and almost all of them were chock full of complains about my mom or dad.  It hurt me to read them, not only because I remember feeling the way I did when I wrote them, but also because the things I said were so hateful.  I could never think that same way anymore.  I was playing Sudoku with my mom yesterday... taught her how to play, and it took her a while but she finished it and then we hugged and laughed and it was just really nice.  There were a few times when she would say something, or I would get a rush of that old feeling of revulsion I always had when I was around her, but I just had to take a moment to suppress it, and remind myself that she isn't the same, nor is she in any way going to cause me grief right now.  It's all in the past. I haven't felt that way doing something with her in... I don't think ever.  It was kind of bittersweet.  I wish I could have more memories with her like that.  But then again, it's never too late to start making them, I suppose.  I feel like, now that my parents are grandparents, I don't know how much longer I am going to have them in my life.  They weren't perfect, but they taught me everything I needed to know.  I am a very stable, secure person because of them.
Geri and I are so good together.  I don't feel the need to be all lovey dovey and mushy gushy in love with him, because I'm married to him, but I just feel like he is my other half.  He is such a perfect compliment to the things and abilities I lack, and the best part is that I know I do the same for him.  We really need each other.  I've never had any kind of relationship like this before.  It's so wonderful knowing we can save each other from ourselves over and over.  It builds the strongest respect.  This is what marriage should be.  I'm so glad I found something I could have only imagined was out there.
Anyway, got stuff to do and laundry to put away.

SO.  Back in Rotterdam.  I'm not sure if I'm glad to be back here or not.  I know it's not lasting, so I'm trying not to get used to it.  I know the more attached I become here, the harder it will be for me to leave and go home.  And then I know it's going to be tough for a while.  I feel exhausted at the thought of going to live with my parents.  The thought of my mom's voice makes me cringe.  I can hear her accusing me of stuff she made up already.  She's so critical of others but doesn't do much to help herself.  Her emotional issues are so obvious.  I wish she would just get therapy already.  I can't take feeling like I'm her mother anymore.

BLAHHHHHH.  Ok, I need to finish this article now.  It's already too long, but at least I have a lot of material to trim it down with.

It's been 2 weeks in Sweden now.  I'm kind of wanting to go back to Rotterdam.  I'm pretty bored here, and Lars, as usual, doesn't try to think of anything to do.  It's a bit frustrating.

So I'm coming back to Chicago on the 17th.  I keep having dreams I'm already back there, and I absolutely hate every one of them.  I hate the idea of going home.  My emotionally-unstable mother is going to drive me nuts.  I hope I can find a job asap that will allow me to move out of that house.  I really can't be around my parents all the time.

I'm also worried because I don't have enough money for anything anymore.  It's stressful, but I know there's a way around everything, so I'm not too concerned.

I'll start applying for more jobs next week.  I already applied for a few but the filled the positions before I was able to go in for an interview, which is understandable.

I'm wondering lately about having a dream.  I don't have any long-term goal or dream.  I just want every day to be good-natured, safe and full of love.  That doesn't help much when you have to think about a career path, or buying a house or having babies down the line.  I can think of a TON of things I'd love to do, or be when I'm older, but I really have no idea which one to pick.  Because you have to pick just one and stick with it, otherwise you won't become proficient in anything.

I also feel like I'm done with asking other people about religion.  I set out to learn about the big 3 on my own, without peoples' influence, and I've already let that happen to a great extent.  I don't want culture to have any effect on what the actual religion is about.  So when I get home, I'm going to read the bible and take it at face value.

Sighhhhhhh

http://latestvideolyrics.blogspot.com/2010/11/t-ara-why-are-you-being-like-this.html

I found the proper jogging-route by the river.  I went the wrong way last time and ended up running by a bunch of car-shops and creepy mechanics looking at me.  This way is far less populated and it's between the river and a low-traffic road so I don't have to worry about weirdos.  Plus, it's gorgeous.  The weather has been really perfect for running lately.
I used to really hate running,  but I haven't done it in about two weeks and I've really been missing it.  I guess it grows on you.  An acquired taste of fitness!

Lately I can see two paths for everything.  I really don't know which way to go anymore.  I can be this kind of person, or that kind.  Either one might help me or hurt me, and I can't choose, so I just stay in a safe zone and get nowhere.
I don't know if I should be worrying about what other people think, or if I should just worry about what makes me happy and not care about others.  Problem is, if I do that, I innately become such a recluse that I end up really lonely and depressed.  So I feel like I really should or need to be more social, but when I do that, I become.. well, dumber.  I can't explain why.  I'm just not meeting the right kinds of people I guess.

어떻게?????

"The heart glows, and a secret unrest gnaws at the roots of our being. Modern man or woman lives with a spiritual emptiness that was once easily filled by religion or mythology."

 

Need to meditate.