Today was more gorgeous weather...  but something about the world was so surreal.
While I was walking around I felt like I could extend a hand and push it right through reality.  Reminds me of the times I would stay up for hours, contemplating life and if anything really exists.. well, that was because of other reasons.. but sometimes things feel so fragile, you wonder if it's possible to break free of this world.. this life.

So I set my alarm for 10 am, and was having such a nice dream I turned it off and fell back asleep, completely forgetting the dream.  I've been sleeping so badly.. blah.  I need to stop staying up late.  I like being up in the night; I've always been a night owl.. but I just can't stand sleeping late.  I like the night AND the morning.. missing the morning makes me feel like I'm out of the loop.  I'll start getting up at 7 just because.
I did a ton of lunges yesterday and boy am I feeling them.  I love doing lunges.. they work so many muscles at once, you really feel like you're making your body work when you do them.  And I know they're strengthening my knees and hips, which is really important to me considering the problems I've had with them in the past.
I'm going to use the stairs to run up and down today.. good aerobics and leg workout!  I'm so glad I'm done with school.. I can finally work out and have time to take better care of my body.  I hated being downtown.. I had to eat fast food so many times.. yuck.
Alright, time to relax on the balcony for a while.

In love.

Well I'm on day 2 of my weekend alone here.  It's going well.  I'm not feeling all lonely or depressed yet which is good.. I'm thinking that since I've gotten over those anxiety attacks I was having since last summer, most of the other negative emotions that overwhelmed me have calmed down too.  Which I'm so insanely grateful for.. I hated living like that.
I walked around the city for about 3 hours.  Such a nice day out.  I wish I had someone here to just hang out at a park with or something.
I'm also really craving watermelon but unfortunately nobody sells it here.  Blah.
While I was out I sprayed  some Viva La Juicy.. I've seen it a lot at the mall and stuff but when I finally smelled it I sort of fell in love.  God grant me the strength to overcome this urge to buy even more perfume :(

Well, here I am, alone.  Lars has gone home to Sweden until Sunday.  Blah.  No idea what I'm going to do with myself for the next 3.5 days.  Actually I have lots of ideas but I have such issues with being alone.. I start getting really depressed and sometimes even suicidal.  I didn't use to be that way.  When I was younger I could go days without talking to anyone and I felt so at peace and relaxed, but as I've grown up more I've become more emotionally attached to people.  I guess that has to do with finally admitting to myself a few years ago that I need exposure to other people and friends and whatnot.  Of course it's really complicated and I've written about it a hundred times over in my real journals but I guess that's just how life works.  I'm glad I've thought about my own internal battles so logically in the past.. it really helps a person get over something traumatic if they know how to look at it.
At least while Lars is away I know he's with his friends and family and will be having a really good time.  I sometimes wonder if he doesn't see enough of them.. he only goes home about twice per year.  Also I can stay here and walk around in the evening and eat healthy food like I want to haha..  I have to eat so much junk that I don't want to when he's around because he doesn't like vegetables very much.  Actually the past 3 days I cooked 3 really delicious, healthy dinners.  Well yesterday he wanted tacos so I tweaked them a bit so they were healthier.  It feels good to be able to feed somebody you love and know you did it the right way.
So yeah.. I guess for now, I'm gonna.. uh.. clean?  Replay Mass Effect 2 with my imported character?  I can do anything I want actually =/  Weirdddd.

Well it looks like I won't be going to see ISIS.  Uggggg...  how miserable that makes me feel.  Whatever.. I don't want to think about it anymore.
I'm almost done with ME2.  I need to replay it again anyway with my imported character from the first one, so it's not that big of a deal.

New Korean group SISTAR.  I really like this song:


So I have this friend.. he's constantly complaining about how horrible things are.  I've never known such a pessimistic person.  Not to mention, he's totally chauvinistic, always saying how terrible women are and how they're just blood-sucking "creatures" and all of these other horrible things.  I always try to put him in his place and make him see how ridiculous it is to say things like that.. men are incredibly complicated too so it's not like women are the only people causing problems.  I have no idea what traumatic experience he went through to cause him to see things that way.

I gotta find a place where I can stream the Stanley Cup Final.  I don't care much for hockey but anything with Chicago is gonna make life interesting for the next few weeks.

There's no words to describe how good I'm feeling right now.  All of that worrying.. it hurts to think back to how afraid and uncertain about things I was just a few months.. no, a few weeks ago.  Now I've got my papers in order, another trip to beautiful Sweden planned with Lars and an amazing internship lined up.. everything I worked for, prayed for and hoped for is going right.  Just more proof that you have to really work for what you want.. sitting around won't get you anywhere unless you're REALLY lucky or somebody is pathetic enough to do something for you.
Now, back to Mass Effect 2!

I'm really considering flying to Portland on the 21st to catch ISIS's 2nd to last show.  It will be extremely expensive, and we all know I can't afford the additional ticket back to Chicago.. but I feel like I will die regretfully if I don't see them one last time.  Oh God I don't know what to do with myself.

I wish I had more money saved.  I really REALLY want to see them again.. there will be no more ever after this summer.  I wish I could just take out a loan for this.

My heart is aching.