So weird to be home.. it always feels surreal.  I'm glad to be with my family again.  And of course coming home to Dazzle is the most welcoming feeling.  We talked so much about everything.. our friendship just grows deeper and stronger with every new thing that comes our way.

Felt good to sleep in my bed again.  I love waking up early in the summer.  The world is so peaceful when it's early.  And the soothing rain and thunder were like a gift.. I'm so thankful for so many things.

I miss Apollo though he is so cute and sweet ><

Also, lesson to ponder for the weekend:  sometimes closure is just acceptance.

ISIS is playing their final show today.  Arg that grieves me..  I don't want to talk about it actually.

I feel sick.  Maybe I haven't been getting enough sun.  I'd love to sit on the balcony but it's covered with spiders.

Last night I dreamt there were zombies, and we were also trying to escape with my dad, and the front door wouldn't lock.. gah it was so stressful.

I really miss my dad.  I can't believe I'm going home in 3 days though.  It will be nice.. I just hope my mom doesn't drive me insane.

Yayyyy I get to eat tons of watermelon and other fruits and stuff that I can't eat here =D  Ok, I feel good about this hehe.

I love tea.

I've been sleeping better.. thank God.  And I finally stopped having such bad dreams.  I think I was having them because I felt tension between my mom and I, but I talked to my parents yesterday for Father's Day and I feel a lot better.  Even though they can drive me up a wall sometimes, talking to them can really comfort me.  I really do feel like I've got the best dad on the planet.  And one of the strongest (even though we rub each other the wrong way) mom's to ever walk the Earth.  That woman's willpower.. could take on anything.

I hate to talk about this stuff but I had a recent falling-out with somebody who I thought I was friends with for way too long.  Like, totally not really friends.. she's took advantage of me, had mad jealousy issues and the shortest temper, which she felt she could take out on me.  There was just so much disrespect coming from that girl.. I really do put up with peoples' garbage for too long.  She's my second cleaning-out of people whose negativity I won't tolerate in my life any longer.  But like most falling-outs I go through, the thought of her still angers me.  I'm just trying to move on from it.  She's not a part of my life, and so I shouldn't dedicate any of my thoughts to her.  It's like getting over an ex-boyfriend.. they did me wrong, and I finally made the decision to remove them from my own life, but I still have memories that plague me, and will continue to for a long time.  I'm just going to pray for serenity of mind for the time being.  The biggest part of getting rid of a bad person like that is to move on mentally and emotionally.  It's really traumatic to have somebody treat you wrong for that long.
Well hopefully writing about it here will help calm my thoughts too.  It wouldn't be so bad but I had a dream the other day..  it plainly showed me that I am still upset, even if I didn't even think about what happened during my daily life.
I feel my own life is way too precious.. I want to be good to myself.
Alright, I'm going to play some Fable II.. what a beautiful game.

And just to remind myself how awesome I am, here's an old pic I found from when I was in my room:

Even if our soul is limited to one life, spanning only a brief moment in time, and ceasing to exist thereafter, I'd rather spend it happy and making others happy.  What's the point of living miserably?  Being in debt?  Feeling the pangs of guilt or regret?  What a waste of time.

I definitely have a cold.  Actually, both Lars and I both have a cold.  Figures.

On my trip to the store, I found that they were selling these little dark green watermelons!  I've been craving watermelon so badly for the past few weeks, and now I found one.  It's a little strange.. the flesh is firmer and less sweet than the big ones, and I swear I taste and smell a hint of pumpkin in it.  Pretty interesting, and I can't complain.  It's watermelon, and it's delicious.

Also, here's my new jacket.  It's so comfortable and perfectly warm.

Call of Duty 4 has the stupidest gameplay ever.  I'm so frustrated by a retarded game because they decided to make it one of those 'keep reloading from a checkpoint until you reach the next one because you're going die about 20 times before you get there' games.  I thought they stopped with that since the old Soldier of Fortune.  All games like that do is piss you off until you feel like you need to break the damn controller.  Obviously, I'm pretty upset right now.  But this game would be SO good if it were possible to play for 15 seconds without getting randomly blown up.  It's boring having to sit in cover around some corner, sniping away at enemies while your objective clock runs down.  The enemies are never ending.  It's just ridiculous and doesn't leave you with a sense of accomplishment at all.  One of the worst shooters I've ever played, easily.  Although it's more upsetting because it COULD be amazing.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I feel so frustrated today.  Just generally bad.  The stupid embassy people can't answer my question (or won't, seeing as they refuse to talk to me on the phone and every time they email me, they answer the wrong question), I have no money and I ran out of fun video games to play.  I just want something else to do.  I want some friends here in Ireland.

Weird dreams again.. why? Why why why?  Really weird.  Do not like this.

I'm always wondering why Dublin is such an unfashionable city.  I'm not huge into fashion, but I appreciate a well-done outfit, hot shoes, accessories etc.. if I had more money, I definitely think I'd be more fashionable than I am.

Anyway, I really can't figure out this problem.  Is it because they're confined to an island?  Guys walking around with mullets, baggy t-shirts that say adidas or Nike across the front, and a different sports brand of track pants, which are cleverly tucked into their socks.  Really ugly sneakers on the bottom.  There's no excuse for that.  It DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.  Why???  Who created this disaster?  And what's worse, there's a lot of older men who walk around wearing that kind of garbage, because they want to seem like cool young kids.  I'm aghast.  I'll try to post some pics later.

The girls aren't as bad.  They generally wear really cute heels or sneakers and skinny jeans/leggings.. but then they go and wear an ugly shirt just to throw you off.  And they're obsessed with the 80's hair.  Don't get me wrong, I like the teased-80's hair look, but they take it in a different direction.. the wrong direction.  Again, I'll post pics later.  It's embarassing.

Last night I had weird dreams.  First, I dreamt my grandpa was staying with us, and then he started getting really sick so we were trying to take him to the hospital because we knew he didn't have much time left.. it was really awful.  In the dream I had to think 'Wait, hasn't this already happened?  He's not alive, is he?'  and then remembered that he had already died.  Gah.. it was so terrible.  Why would I dream that?  I was so used to seeing him as this incredibly fragile, dying man.. but he was so wonderful.  I miss him so much.  I really really do.

Got ISIS- Live V, and life is good again.  Oh, how this music racks my soul.
I'm definitely gonna get an ISIS tattoo someday.  I decided long ago, it's just a matter of when and where.  I'd like it on the back of my neck, but I want to be able to see it too.  I also think I finally want to go blonde.. just for a little while.

Ahhh I love Mass Effect 2 so much!  I think I should go back and replay the first one, because I don't really remember it too much.  Also I realized I didn't get very many achievements from it.  Dunno why I didn't.. I played it all the way through but apparently I didn't get 150 pistol/shotgun kills etc.  Those should be easy.  Ah well.

Alright, back to listening to the best music imaginable and chillin.

I love Fridays!!!!

Weekends in general.. Getting to stay up late with Lars and sleep in with him.. playing games and watching shows and goofing around like two kids in love.. I do love him so much.. everything it takes to be with him, it's worth it.

I bought a new jacket yesterday. It's awesome and fits right and it the perfect price. I might actually go back to that store and get another one.. all their jackets were on sale because it's summer, and they had a few different ones that were all really cute. Luckily the weather was gorgeous.

I might make Lars take me somewhere today.. we're both up pretty early and the weather should be nice. We'll see.

Teaaaaaa!!!

Weeeeeee I finally finished Mass Effect 2!!! 100% paragon which was nice.. I got to save a few of my characters because of it. Unfortunately, Mordin didn't make it during the final fight. It's kind of ok because I didn't like him.. being all anti-Krogan >> However, I'm missing out on 75 gamerscore because of him. I might go back and redo it. Blah.. I dunno. We'll see. I have no idea how anybody gets up past level 30 on these games. I've done EVERYTHING it has to offer and I'm only 28.. I can't figure out what else I can do.
Alright, off to bed. So tired. Tomorrow's FRIDAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

I feel really pretty today.

All I want is a real job.. I feel so crummy when I want to do things and can't.  Especially when I want to get something for somebody else or treat somebody.  When I worked in the past, I always paid for people and went out and had a great time because I knew how to spend my money.. so I feel really awful being so broke.  But I'll get on my feet soon and then I'll be financially freeeeeeeee!  Well, for the most part.
So I bought a new purse today.  I really like it.. soft gray leathery, and lots of pockets. They were selling it everywhere but I found it in a shop where it was discounted 15e so I got it cheaper than anywhere else that I saw.  Smart shopper ftw.

I feel solemn today.

Alright.. It's about 8 am and I'm UP!  For the day.  No napping. 
There were these horrible sounds coming from across somewhere around the water outside our apartment.. I thought it was a dying cat.. I know that's a cliche, but I honestly thought it was a dying cat.. and then I opened the window to check if I needed to save an animal, and then I thought it was an old man crying with all of his might.  What in the world could have been making such a sound?  Lars walked to work and said it was 2 seagulls >>  I feel like if seagulls could make such a ruckus I would have known it years ago.  Even if it were a sealion, that would have been way more believable.

I kind of want to delete my Facebook account.  FB has brought me more grief than anything.. the only thing I want instead of it is a place to post all of my photos.  I can't figure out Flickr and I don't think Photobucket can possibly hold that many pictures.  Also unfortunately, nobody uses anything besides Facebook so it's kind of pointless to look for a new social networking site.

I want to go shopping today.  I want some new shoes, a new purse and maybe perfume.  I know, it's all my guilty pleasures.. but I've been using the same old stuff for way too long.. I need an update.  I really like this purse from Topshop:
http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=40&viewAllFlag=false&catalogId=19551&storeId=12556&categoryId=169015&parent_category_rn=130031&productId=1645128&langId=-1  I wish I could get just an image to show up but a link will suffice.

Chicken stuffed with wild rice for dinner, can probably finish Mass Effect 2 sometime in the evening, and I think I'm good to go =)

That Danish embassy better write me back really soon about my Swedish visa.. I wrote them 5 business days ago and still, nothing.

Breakfast time!!!  <3 Tea

I'm looking forward to seeing Eclipse when I get home.  The movies are terrible but at the same time the characters are more true to life than most others in movies about teenage/high school drama.  I really don't get it.. the final book (Breaking Dawn) was so good.. hense my theory that Stephanie Meyer didn't even write it..  I just wish the whole series would have been like it.  I won't talk about it because that would be spoilers >>

I can't wait to go to Sweden.  It's so peaceful in Nykoping and Lars' family is so much fun.  I really want to live and work there someday.. I just have to make sure I have a way to get a job.  Hopefully I'll be able to meet people within the journalism field.. it's all about networking!

Alright, stair running and lunges.  Then store.. no clue what I'm going to feed Lars tonight.  Pot roast is always so wholesome but he hates any meat with fat on it, and most beef is extremely fatty, which is why it's so delicious.  I also need to buy some more socks and white tshirts for him.  Exercising always helps my brain function better.  I'll try that first.  Also I really need some energy.  I feel so drained today.

Burj Khalifa..  2,717 feet tall.  The tallest THING ever created by mankind.  In all of our existence, this is it.  It's so hard to believe this building actually exists.  Every picture of it looks like one of those CGI created images.  It's monstrous.  But it's also the first of those "futuristic cities" we see in a lot of really beautiful artwork.. like this:

And yes, that's Illium from Mass Effect 2.  Nobody creates a realistic, futuristic world better than the people who created that game.  <3

The more childish, disrespectful, unappreciative people who remove themselves from my beautiful life, the better.

Lars came back from Sweden.. with a mountain of candy.  Not just any candy.. Swedish candy.  I thought I was on the right track running up and down the stairs and doing lunges.. but he brought back tons of Maoam.. the good kind, like we had in Amsterdam.  I'm done for lol.  Actually, no.. I think I can conquer this.  

I like wearing his robe.

I slept alright last night.. although I had dreams about a huge star in Mass Effect.. I'm so scared of huge things.. it's probably some instinctual fear but certain things just scare the crap out of me.  So much that I really almost faint.. Thinking about really deep water in the ocean has the same effect.. my mind just can't comprehend the enormity of it.  Blah..
I found an almost perfect way to exercise!  I never thought about it, but there's like 6 floors in this apartment building and almost no one uses the stairs.  I've never seen anybody walking up and down them actually haha.  So I've been running up and down them and walking 2 at a time and stuff.. it's a great workout.
Also I found a delicious sandwich to make.. tuna, mayo and sweet corn on wheat toast.  I can't explain it, but all the flavors together are amazing.  Omnom =)

Lars is coming back todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

I love my dad so much.  Just thinking about him makes me want to cry.. I can't wait to go home and give him a huge hug.

I'm gonna be so glad when Lars is back tomorrow.  I feel like myself when I'm alone, but when I'm with him, I feel full.

Today was more gorgeous weather...  but something about the world was so surreal.
While I was walking around I felt like I could extend a hand and push it right through reality.  Reminds me of the times I would stay up for hours, contemplating life and if anything really exists.. well, that was because of other reasons.. but sometimes things feel so fragile, you wonder if it's possible to break free of this world.. this life.

So I set my alarm for 10 am, and was having such a nice dream I turned it off and fell back asleep, completely forgetting the dream.  I've been sleeping so badly.. blah.  I need to stop staying up late.  I like being up in the night; I've always been a night owl.. but I just can't stand sleeping late.  I like the night AND the morning.. missing the morning makes me feel like I'm out of the loop.  I'll start getting up at 7 just because.
I did a ton of lunges yesterday and boy am I feeling them.  I love doing lunges.. they work so many muscles at once, you really feel like you're making your body work when you do them.  And I know they're strengthening my knees and hips, which is really important to me considering the problems I've had with them in the past.
I'm going to use the stairs to run up and down today.. good aerobics and leg workout!  I'm so glad I'm done with school.. I can finally work out and have time to take better care of my body.  I hated being downtown.. I had to eat fast food so many times.. yuck.
Alright, time to relax on the balcony for a while.

In love.

Well I'm on day 2 of my weekend alone here.  It's going well.  I'm not feeling all lonely or depressed yet which is good.. I'm thinking that since I've gotten over those anxiety attacks I was having since last summer, most of the other negative emotions that overwhelmed me have calmed down too.  Which I'm so insanely grateful for.. I hated living like that.
I walked around the city for about 3 hours.  Such a nice day out.  I wish I had someone here to just hang out at a park with or something.
I'm also really craving watermelon but unfortunately nobody sells it here.  Blah.
While I was out I sprayed  some Viva La Juicy.. I've seen it a lot at the mall and stuff but when I finally smelled it I sort of fell in love.  God grant me the strength to overcome this urge to buy even more perfume :(

Well, here I am, alone.  Lars has gone home to Sweden until Sunday.  Blah.  No idea what I'm going to do with myself for the next 3.5 days.  Actually I have lots of ideas but I have such issues with being alone.. I start getting really depressed and sometimes even suicidal.  I didn't use to be that way.  When I was younger I could go days without talking to anyone and I felt so at peace and relaxed, but as I've grown up more I've become more emotionally attached to people.  I guess that has to do with finally admitting to myself a few years ago that I need exposure to other people and friends and whatnot.  Of course it's really complicated and I've written about it a hundred times over in my real journals but I guess that's just how life works.  I'm glad I've thought about my own internal battles so logically in the past.. it really helps a person get over something traumatic if they know how to look at it.
At least while Lars is away I know he's with his friends and family and will be having a really good time.  I sometimes wonder if he doesn't see enough of them.. he only goes home about twice per year.  Also I can stay here and walk around in the evening and eat healthy food like I want to haha..  I have to eat so much junk that I don't want to when he's around because he doesn't like vegetables very much.  Actually the past 3 days I cooked 3 really delicious, healthy dinners.  Well yesterday he wanted tacos so I tweaked them a bit so they were healthier.  It feels good to be able to feed somebody you love and know you did it the right way.
So yeah.. I guess for now, I'm gonna.. uh.. clean?  Replay Mass Effect 2 with my imported character?  I can do anything I want actually =/  Weirdddd.

Well it looks like I won't be going to see ISIS.  Uggggg...  how miserable that makes me feel.  Whatever.. I don't want to think about it anymore.
I'm almost done with ME2.  I need to replay it again anyway with my imported character from the first one, so it's not that big of a deal.

New Korean group SISTAR.  I really like this song:


So I have this friend.. he's constantly complaining about how horrible things are.  I've never known such a pessimistic person.  Not to mention, he's totally chauvinistic, always saying how terrible women are and how they're just blood-sucking "creatures" and all of these other horrible things.  I always try to put him in his place and make him see how ridiculous it is to say things like that.. men are incredibly complicated too so it's not like women are the only people causing problems.  I have no idea what traumatic experience he went through to cause him to see things that way.

I gotta find a place where I can stream the Stanley Cup Final.  I don't care much for hockey but anything with Chicago is gonna make life interesting for the next few weeks.

There's no words to describe how good I'm feeling right now.  All of that worrying.. it hurts to think back to how afraid and uncertain about things I was just a few months.. no, a few weeks ago.  Now I've got my papers in order, another trip to beautiful Sweden planned with Lars and an amazing internship lined up.. everything I worked for, prayed for and hoped for is going right.  Just more proof that you have to really work for what you want.. sitting around won't get you anywhere unless you're REALLY lucky or somebody is pathetic enough to do something for you.
Now, back to Mass Effect 2!

I'm really considering flying to Portland on the 21st to catch ISIS's 2nd to last show.  It will be extremely expensive, and we all know I can't afford the additional ticket back to Chicago.. but I feel like I will die regretfully if I don't see them one last time.  Oh God I don't know what to do with myself.

I wish I had more money saved.  I really REALLY want to see them again.. there will be no more ever after this summer.  I wish I could just take out a loan for this.

My heart is aching.