Only one day until Halloween!
I think I'm going to take the easy way out and just be Zoey.. couldn't possibly get an easier costume than hers because she pretty much wears what I wear every day lol. I just need to buy a red track jacket from somewhere.
Maybe I'll dream up a more fantastic idea, but otherwise, I'm just gonna stick to that.
I wanted to be Little Sister from Bioshock but there's no way I can find her dress anywhere on time.
Let's see how it goes tomorrow.
Nighty night!

Man.. the weekend could not have come sooner.
I had all of the horrible flu symptoms yesterday, and this morning.. even now, but they're slowly subsiding. I gotta hand it to my immune system.. I thought this was going to get worse over the next few days but I'm handling it really well. My fever went down 2 degrees and I don't have a migraine constantly like I did yesterday, but my stomach is bothering me and I cough pretty easily.
But yeah, go immune system! You can do it ><
Ok so here's finally some pictures from my New Orleans trip. I had such a great time with my family, even though they drove me crazy at some points. Either way, it was wonderful to see my cousin get married, after the past two years that have been a total nightmare.
I'm going to go take a nap and see if I can get any more healing in before I work on homework.

Soooo much homework. I don't know how I'm going to survive this semester. By the grace of a higher power, and lots and lots of naps. And absolutely no time with other people because they will distract me.
300 level classes are really just so much more than I thought. I work my butt off for an A and end up with a C+. But then I'm accused of plagiarizing because my writing is "almost too well done"? My professors are confusing me and making me feel like a criminal and a liar. It's hard enough getting all of this work done, and then they go and say things like that to me.
Whatever.. just let me get a C in everything and I'll move onto next semester.. my LAST semester. And then I'll be free for the most part.
Yuck.
I can't relate to most of my friends anymore either. They don't understand the work load I have to do every day, and they mostly just want to talk about their social lives or boys they have crushes on or something. I just don't care about any of that. All I want to do is get this work over and done with. We can be friends afterwards.. but for now, all I have to look forward to is this semester ending and Lars coming to visit over Thanksgiving break.
Sigh.
Ok back to work. =(

Soooooooooo good to be home.. but I have a ton of work to do.
Ug. Must sleep!
In my own warm, quiet, firm bed <3

Packing!!!!!
Can't believe I'm off to LOUISIANA! I've always wanted to go there.. so much history and spookiness. What an awesome time of the year to go, too.
My stomach is in knots because I'm so scared of flying, but I'm also so incredibly excited. Also I'm so happy for my cousin. It's so sad my grandpa couldn't be there for this but he is in all of our hearts, and it's so special for our family to be together.

No time to waste, more packingggggggg!!

So excited.. I got all my assignments in and accounted for (well except my 2 stories that are due Thursday, which at this point I couldn't care less about), and I found a gorgeous dress to wear for Sara's wedding. Also the most perfect pair of shoes that were only $9 on clearance. It's scary how perfect they are for this dress.. I seriously got lucky.
I'm so terrified of flying but I really hope to be able to overcome this fear soon.
At least until I'm safely in Europe, living with Lars and not needing to fly back and forth every summer and spring break.
He will be here in exactly one month... I CAN'T WAIT =D

I'll take pictures of my beautiful outfit tomorrow.
Nighty night!

I had a productive day yesterday.
Didn't sleep much.
Watched old gore flick with Sarah.
NEED to find dress for cousin's wedding today.
Will go to Plato's with Dazzle around 4:30.. actually probably more around 5 because she's always late lol.
Alright, off to the train.

Almost done with my sociology essay!! I finally stopped panicking and actually took a look at the rubric, and what I had to do was MUCH less intense than I believed to begin with. This essay was not supposed to be an evaluation of the entire book we read, but more of a reflection of society's inequalities, and a small section dedicated to the flaws of the book. Which is still going to be a pain, but I'm very relieved there's so much less to do than I thought. Whew!!!
Back to workkkkk, then working outttttt, then more essayyyyyyy, then late-night walk, then sleepinggggggggggggg.

I wish we didn't need to sleep so much. It's such a waste of time..

Last night was SO much fun. Milwaukee is a great city. So we went and saw Sarah's pictures in Ms. Nico's photo exhibit. Both parties did their jobs exceedingly well.. Sarah is so amazingly beautiful, and her ability to be so pure and open in her pictures took my breath away. And of course Nico's talents to take such gorgeous shots and make Sarah (and the other girls included in the photoshoot) feel comfortable really shows what a rare gift she has for photography. This wasn't just high-school Photo class garbage. We also got some of the most delicious Indian food we've ever had. It's without question my favorite ethnic cuisine. So many herbs and spices, all just as though they were made to simmer together in those big pots for hours and hours, in a big orgy of delicious flavors! How about that for some imagery? So this morning I had to go over to Sonny Acres and take a bunch of pictures. Luckily there were a lot more people there milling around with their kids and friends to liven things up. Beautiful, sunny day with blue skies. So now I have to do my slideshow and narration of the place. I'm really hoping it turns out alright, considering that I'm absolutely crunched for time and all the editing involved is so meticulous. Back to work!

Going to Milwaukee with Sarah today!!! It's gonna be an adventure and a big deal for her..
Will post more later when I get home.

Ok so now begins my weekend from hell. So much reading and essays and projects and traveling.. I am praying I get everything done so that by next Wednesday I can just chill and take this huge burden off of my shoulders.
Every time I get done with a busy few days, I'm so relieved to have it behind me. Also, when I look at the calendar and see the days flying by, I'm so excited because there's only about a month and a week left until Lars comes.

I met a Swedish girl in my sociology class!!! She was really friendly and happy that I knew about Sweden (and that I knew more about it than it was not Switzerland =P) and how I have been there so much etc. I hope to become friends with her.. so exciting!

Ok, back to reading my INCREDIBLY boring and inaccurate book about how the government hates minorities and all white women are rich and protected while all the black and minority women suffer because white people exploit them to their own benefit. SO exaggerated and biased in every way I can possibly think of..

So grateful..
I got an A- on my first recording project. My professor wrote on my evaluation sheet "You had the best audio in the class". Wow.. usually professor's don't say stuff like that, so I was of course very embarrassed but so proud of myself too. I've always felt like I had a strong ability to edit things because I'm critical of details and stuff. I can make stuff look awesome in Photoshop and other programs. But I've never even worked on a Mac before so that made me feel much better. ALSO he gave us an extra weekend to work on our midterm projects (which were due today and I haven't nearly finished yet) so I'm super thankful of that. The only class I'm really worrying about thus far is my Reporting class. It's more like a job with how meticulous my professor grades and judges everything. And we have a story due every week, which is extremely difficult for me considering I don't often have the time slot open to go around visiting places and interviewing people. Not to mention all the reading I have to do for my other classes.
But oh well, I just need to keep working hard. Hope my midterm for Law and Ethics turned out alright too.
More homework to do now!

The air smells SO good in the fall. I love this time of year. Although it got cold really quickly one day and hasn't gone above 60 degrees since, but wearing coats is cozy, so it's all good.
I'm gonna take my winter coat back out of hiding though.
Time for some homework..

This semester is creeping up on me. I think sometimes that I have everything under control, and then I think of all the world I really need to do and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.
Today, I have to edit two articles (well) for my first class at 11, then go to the bookstore and buy a book that I need to read part of to do a group presentation on Monday, plus an essay on the entire book, plus study for a midterm on Tuesday, and then do two other essays for next week. Oh and a big slideshow with narration edits for my Media Skills class by next Wednesday.
OMG I CAN'T TAKE IT ALL ><
I hate feeling like I'm getting behind.. arg. Not that I'm even really behind yet.. it's just so much work to have to schedule.

At least my first class is canceled today. Now I can spend my morning doing hw, yay >>

I'm so glad it's autumn. The atmosphere changes sooo much during this time of the year, I love it. In Ireland the air never smells like this during the fall. The leaves don't change and you just can't feel any difference. I love going for walks when it's like this. Especially when it's windy, although if I'm walking and it's REALLY windy I feel afraid.. but it's not just fear.. it's such exhilaration and something primal inside of me..
Alright.. school work now.

Back in Dublin now. The past two days were so insanely busy.. cleaning everything, throwing things away, packing, rearranging furniture.. it was a lot of hard work and I'm REALLY going to miss that beautiful house. Arg. It's so nice to be back in the little Dublin apartment though. This place was such a big part of our relationship, and I had a lot of time here by myself to think and grow. It feels very good to be back. That said, we'll still be looking for a new apartment for him on Monday. I hope we find something more affordable AND nicer. Also I want it to be a place where only him and I have lived.

Well it's been a few more days and I haven't had any other attacks of paranoia or panic. My sister talked to me about it a bit and I feel much better. I still sometimes just feel kind of scared for no reason, but it lasts about 10 seconds and then I feel better after I plug in my headphones and listen to some ISIS. Again, they've freed my soul of fear.

I'm pretty certain by now that Threshold of Transformaton is my 2nd favorite song by them ever, right after BatE. All of their songs are masterpieces but these two have really just affected my being in a way that nothing else ever has. They like.. are part of me now. I can't freaking believe they played BOTH of them at De Effenaar.. that was my dream lineup and I couldn't barely even hear Aaron's guitar. I feel like I kind of blew a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's ok, I'll catch them again hopefully but it will probably be a while before they come back to Chicago. And I PRAY that I'll be there.

Yesterday Lars and I walked in a direction we had never gone before. We started to go up the steps to cross this bridge and I was in the middle of explaining something.. we were having a really nice time and he was being really sweet to me.. but then he stopped me and turned me around and kissed me so very lovingly and touched my face. I haven't felt something like that in a while. My knees went weak and it was like my first kiss or something.. I mean, he's always very affectionate and loving to me but he gives me a lot more cute kisses than .. kysses. It was just so heavenly. I love him more than the whole world. I feel the worst pain in my stomach when I think about leaving. I wish 'leaving' and 'see you again' weren't part of our vocabularies anymore. It's ok though.. just 8 more months of school. Right? God I hope so.

I'm so glad my mom is finally doing better. So so glad.

I think I'm starting to go crazy. I definitely have some kind of paranoia disorder. I randomly keep getting these horrendous ideas about people or myself dying or how insignificant everything about life is and it scares the crap out of me. I think I need to talk to a therapist. I feel so alone and afraid of everything. I don't know what caused this. It just started happening badly over the past week. I have always had some slight paranoid thoughts in the past now and then, but this has gotten very bad lately. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without thinking something horrific. I hope this goes away.. I need to not be alone anymore.. I need to keep busy to get my mind off of it. Watching the news doesn't help.. all reporters talk about is death and murder and bombings or war. It's never going to end.. how can they expect every person in the world to not be selfish or greedy and advocate world peace? It just can't stop. I wish I had some better channels that didn't mention death or anything frightening.

It rained last night, the flowers are lovely today.

I don't believe in world peace. Human beings are competitive by nature, which is the root of all the problems. We are greedy and only want to "help" the people we love. Two people in an empty room will already begin to judge each other and find what they don't like about each other before they even say a single word. It's outrageous to think people could, much less expect them to get along with everybody, share their resources and property and spend their time caring for others.

I just saw a segment on the news where they build a racecar that runs off of chocolate.. and that is "wasn't fast enough to win a race." Ok.. why are they even WASTING chocolate for something like that? And why build a car that has to go super fast? We already have more than enough ways to fuel cars. And why is it SO important that our cars are able to go so quickly? People waste so many resources on bullsh!t.

Not everything in life needs to have a loud, fast engine and chrome plating. Get over the shiny-syndrome you braindead fools.

If there's one thing I miss about home while I'm in Europe, it's all the summer festivals. 4th of July, the carnivals, the events, the staying up late and hanging out with friends.. there's so much more to it all. They're all like their own entities with drama and fun and mystery. I guess that's what people hate about those things when they're going thru them, but when you don't get to be part of them, it's a really lonely feeling.
I miss 4th of July. I miss my friends. And I miss my parents. But I miss Lars so much more than all of those things when I'm away from him. So I will continue to come be with him. It's just too difficult to have him come to Chicago to stay. Plus he needs to work. I don't NEED to work, because I'm still in school and need to live with my parents.
I don't know why I feel sad right now. I hate thinking about leaving him.

Kalle and Elin are here this weekend. They're so lucky they get to stay together. Every non-long distance couple is.

I feel soooooooo good lately <3
endorphins ftw

I'm trying that milk/lemon juice solution to making your skin fairer/smoother. Let's see how it goes! As much as I hate milk, I'm willing to wipe it all over my face for the opportunity to have clearer skin. I'm 22.. I shouldn't have acne anymore ffs.
I had such a cool dream last night.
Not worrying about things or having stress always makes me able to sleep really well and have really creative, adventurous dreams. When I'm stressed I have horrible nightmares. But when I'm not my dreams always are so colorful and scenic with really extraordinary storylines. It's really great.
Reading now!

I figured I might as well blog a bit, since I've got a lot of spare time today. I'm so glad it's finally Friday. I've been feeling so depressed and lonely all week. I dunno what's wrong with me. I just miss Lars a lot while he's at work, and he's had to stay late for the past few days so I see him even less.
I like being here alone during the day.. I always find tons of stuff to do, but that's just the thing.. I wish I could be doing them with my friends. I can't wait till Maria gets here.
I've been trying to work out consistently, and I definitely see more tone in my abs. My biggest problem I think is my legs. I feel so insecure about them because I'm so short and they're never going to be a mile long and super slim, but I've been doing tons of squats and lunges to try and just get them to be more muscular. I like my body but I want to get rid of some of the unnecessary curves here and there. Plus just the fact that working out gives you more energy, endorphins, etc. Running is the biggest chore. I wish I could be one of those people who just loves to run religiously, and does it for like an hour straight every day, but I have to force myself to do it now and then, and then I just want to get it over with so I run through the park and when I've listened to most of my good songs I'm done.
My mom had to have her gallbladder removed 2 days ago. She's thankfully back and home and doing better, but it hurts me so much to know how much she has to go through every day. If it's not one thing making her sick, it's another. Nobody deserves to be in that much pain. She's not even a bad person. She's made more mistakes than most probably, but she genuinely has learned from them and is sorry and has tried her absolute best to remedy them. I can't say that for anybody else.
Some guy sold me a CD yesterday on the street. I think he might have been flirting with me but at least I got it for only 3 euro instead of the 15 he originally wanted. He was American too. The best part is that it's actually a really really good CD. Tons of downtempo, reggae/hip-hip influenced stuff. It's great background music. Really groovy. The name of the band was Audiopharmacy.. he said they were touring throughout Europe. Maybe they'll become famous and I'll have a rare CD! That would be pretty sweet.
The past 2 times I bought magoes they were overripe. I hope that lady fixes her sh!t at the fruit market. At least they're only 33 cents each. Sometimes she sells them 4 for a euro, but they're usually really bad by then. Oh well, I'll figure something out.
Ok I'm going to go sunbathe and read or something.

I found my iPod. I have 3 now including my new one whose battery lasts about 24 hours. Much better than the 2-3 of the old ones.

So busy for the past month... school is awesome, I love my classes and professors and going downtown in the morning. It was such a good decision to transfer to Roosevelt.

Lars came and went. It was the best week of my life, as usual when he's around. Everything is so complete and whole and homey when he's around.

Stuff to do. The weather is quite nice out.

Still haven't found my ipod. But best weekend ever. I'll post longer about it later.

Suchhhhh a long day. Spent all afternoon downtown, buying books, getting CTA bus pass (my picture turned out good, not like a mugshot for once). I did make a friend tho! Her name is Melissa, and we immediately connected because we both love to talk and get to know people around us and don't feel uncomfortable blabbing out our first thoughts. She was hilarious.. when she got her picture taken in front of me, the lady with the camera was like 'oo you have such a perfect smile!' and she was like 'Pff.. I better have one, I paid enough money for it' HAHAHA. So cute. So anyway we walked down Jackson to State just talking about random things, and it was really really awesome to feel like I already made a friend after being there for only 30 mins. We got each other's numbers, and she said she loves Japanese food (w00t), so hopefully we will be able to get together and hang out.
So yeah, overall it was a good day. Oh and I also got my contacts finally!! It feels so great to not have my glasses sitting on my nose again. And now I can wear my sunglasses <333333>
I'm so freaking thirsty.
Working out without music SUCKS, but I started reading my 5th Anne Rice novel.. the Witching Hour. My sister said it's one of her favorite books ever, and I'm about 105 pages in and it's really good so far.. I can feel it slowly building to some incredible story that will make me never forget it. Before this, I think the Queen of the Damned was my favorite Rice novel. Let's see how this one is. If I ever finish it.. its easily over 1000 pages.. I'll check it later. But anyway, the point is, I really want a Zune mp3 player. They look lovely, and my dad is giving me $40 for the drawing I'm doing for him, so I think I can put $60 on my credit card without it doing too much damage. I like the red color. We'll see though. I'll give my iPod until this weekend to turn up. Otherwise I'm just going to assume I got pickpocketed or I dropped it somewhere in public, in which case I will never see it again. That sucks, but I didn't pay for it anyway.. so I'm not too upset over the loss.
Alright, bed time.

WHERE THE EFF IS MY IPOD?!??!??

Obama's speech was amazing. He said everything that needed to be said, and made every word count. I was crying like a baby, needless to say.
So I went over to Macy's and got free mascara!! It's really nice. I'll be using it later today most likely. I'm thinking I'll go to the mall later again and get something else.. maybe that shower gel or something. Anyway, it should be nice. Here's a picture, and some of when I had done my makeup really prettily ^^

Apparently Macy's and Nordstrom and some other places are giving away free stuff today. It's not much.. just some skin creams and crappy shower gels, but hey, if it's free, why not? I'll be at the mall at 10.
Back to sleep now >>

Last Monday of Break

Wuhuuuu. I went to the mall with Dazzle today. It was good times. I bought a really cute, warm sweater for like $8. I love end of the season sales <3
Came home, worked out and here I am now. I can't not work out anymore. I didn't yesterday, because we spent so long at my sister's place, and then we ate a huge dinner so when I came home I could barely move.
Everybody went back to school today practically. Luckily I still have 2 of my 3 favorites, Maria and Dazzle, and Elaine too, but we don't see her much since she's still in high school. Meh.
I just hope I'm so busy starting next week that I won't miss anyone too much.

I love Lars sooo much. He is so sweet and cute it hurts me sometimes. I just wish he could be here so we could lie down and snuggle for a bit and then he can go home. I just feel normal and complete when he's next to me. I think we were married in a past life or something. It feels that right.

Ok, gotta do some stuff before my parents get home so I can leave right away.

OH! also while we were at the mall, I found this purse I wanted to buy a few weeks ago.. it was $18 so I didn't get it, but today I found it for $4.. w00t! smart shopping ftw.

Today is good. I slept well (even though I was having a hard time falling asleep last night), we're going to my sister's new place today and from there I'm supposed to go see Dazzle, but now we're planning on going out to dinner so I might get home too late. Also I get tired so early so I don't know if I want to be up all night. I feel so good lately. My hip bothers me now and then, but I have totally gotten into the habit of working out every single day, and I feel so healthy and I am feeling very sexy, hrhr. I can definitely see some toning has happened, which is how I always feel it SHOULD be. I hate feeling lazy and like I'm not taking care of myself.
In other news, I'm insanely thirsty so I will go get some water and be off to the sister's.

So Woodfield with Michelle today. It was excellent, as things usually are with Michelle. I'm gonna miss her a lot. It's so sad to say goodbye to her always. Anyway, we went to H&M, which is a Swedish store.. and there were two Swedish girls walking around inside. My heart broke. I was so jealous.. I want to just sit around and have conversations in Swedish >< I wish I could learn and let Lars relax so I could do my half of the work at speaking a 2nd language. Not that he struggles with English at all, but it would be nice to share the responsibility. It's hard not to cry at least once a day, thinking about how much I miss him. The feeling of his hand in mine, hearing his laugh during casual conversations, the scent on his skin, giving each other little kisses whenever.. those things are just like, home. And I am very very homesick. My eyes will water and then I just have to think about how great it will be to start school, see a friend, work out or whatever it is I can do to pass the time.
I'm tired.. think I'm gonna get to bed now.

Ear is totally healed. Sea salt works miracles man.. I'm highly impressed, and thankful. Also our furnace is fixed and it's nice and toasty in here finally. Well, maybe not 'nice' because I'm starting to sweat.. but it is warm, and I would MUCH rather be warm than cold.

Today's gonna be busy.

Yayyyyyy the furnace is fixed ^^ It's not 56 degrees in our house anymore. Which means I can go in the basement and work out =) Good day so far. And it's only 2!

Stuff

I bought these three products over the weekend. Neutrogena concealer, TreSemme curly hair gel stuff and L'oreal skin bronzing lotion. I was highly skeptical of the three, because nothing seems to work right when I buy them, but they all surpassed my expectations. The concealer wasn't too dark or too light (I always have trouble matching my skin tone), and it looks so natural, you can't even tell I'm wearing makeup. The hair gel was perfect.. it didn't make my hair hard, and it did hold my curls for several hours after I used the curling iron. Incredible.. my hair always seems to fall flat within 20 mins, even with hairspray. And the tanning lotion was a total impulse buy. I've been using it for the past 3 days, and my skin has a lovely, VERY real-looking tan, with absolutely no streaking or anything that would give it away that it wasn't real. Safe for your skin, looks good AND it works.. good stuff man.
Anyway, there's some pictures of the stuff and my lovely hair. No makeup.

What beautiful dolls. If only a complexion like this were achievable =P The person making these is brilliant. They cost about $600 a pop, but I'd love to have one. They're works of art. I really like the lilac eyes.

http://musedoll.com/index.php

The sea salt is already helping my ear, thank God. That stuff works miracles.

It is so ridiculously cold outside.. I am thinking about locking myself in my room tonight and not leaving. I just need some warm soup and stuff.
I am feeling very much like not working out today, mostly because the exercise equipment is in the basement, and it's about 50 degrees down there. Maybe I'll just eat a small dinner and then do some crunches. Sighhh...

Lars will be here in mid-Feb, and then I'm going to stay with him over Spring break.. in Amsterdam. Um.. I can't wait? I am more excited to go to Amsterdam than I was to go to Dublin. Amsterdam is such an amazing city, and it's CLEAN. With healthy, beautiful people, and so much history. Ireland is crap compared to it. Thinking of all this traveling is making me realize how bad I miss Sweden. It was just so gorgeous and perfect. I'd give anything to be fluent in Swedish so I could just use my passport visa and stay there for the next 2 years.

Ok, things to do, parents to pick up.

I am pretty much positive that my left ear piercing (I got them pierced on my birthday last year) is infected. The right one is fine by now, but the left one has constantly caused me pain, and I noticed today that it was bleeding. When I took out the stud to look at it, it started gushing blood and pus and it was pretty gross. It still hurts, so I'm going to try the sea-salt soaks. Sea-salt saved my belly-button when it got infected in '07, so hopefully I won't lose this piercing, since I really really love them.

Heading out!

I am soooo sick of driving. If I have to run a single more errand today I will dig a hole and bury the car in it.

Green apples <3

I managed to fall asleep pretty easily last night.. not until about 2 am (because my parents were up so late), and then sleep pretty soundly, but then I got woken up at 6.30 to take my dad to a doctor's appointment. I don't know if I should try and get a bit more sleep or not, because if I sleep 3 or 4 more hours I won't be able to sleep again tonight. Regulating a sleep schedule is a LOT of work and exhaustion, but you need to be merciless or you'll never get it. I'm just so tired of sleeping till 11 or noon. I'm not 16 anymore, and I'm going to have a TON of stuff to do in the morning from now on, so I can't be attending class half asleep because I didn't get to bed until 2 am.
Maybe I'll just rest for an hour.

I am so frustrated at myself. I find it so easy to make myself work out almost every day now, and I do it for about 30 mins aerobic, plus I lift weights for some strength training, but I still haven't really curbed my eating habits. I usually don't eat a lot of one thing, but when I think that I want something, I always just go get it. Even if I don't finish it, I still see that it's bad, and it's making it very difficult to actually lose weight. I've toned up a lot but I want to get slimmer. I just need to make myself say no when I think I want something.

Ok back to sleep just for a little bit now.

Last night was pretty awful. However, today was good. I'm really glad I've gotten the strength and motivation built-in to actually work out when I'm stressed or upset. It really does make me feel 100% better. If I'm angry or sad or missing someone, I just go work it out and it reminds me that all I need to worry about is my own happiness, and that other people can kiss my sexy, sweaty ass.

I love artichoke hearts. I've begun to get over my taste aversion to mushrooms, and I usually end up eating them favorably. Still can't get past onions though. I would obliterate them from the planet if I had the power.

What to do with my night now... I will go do some laundry and then play it by ear.

Bad nights beget bad dreams

I visited my grandpa in the hospital today. He blacked out and was unconscious 3 days ago, and they realized that he had a lung infection that was inhibiting his intake of oxygen. Some antibiotics fixed him up tho and he should be going home tomorrow. Poor guy. It was great to see him doing well. When you get a phone call that your 80 year old grandfather, with lung cancer, was found unconscious and unresponsive, you tend to panic and think the worst. Thanks to peoples' prayers and great doctors/nurses, he's doing well again.

Kate Winslet won the first award tonight at the Golden Globes. I didn't see whatever movie it was she won for but she's a great actress and should win regardless.
I've felt very full all day. I will eat a tiny bit and feel like my stomach is going to burst. It's very uncomfortable.

I'm going to bed soon.

I am up. It is early. I will NOT take a nap. I need a regular sleep schedule, and I will get it if it kills me. There's not much to eat here. I have to get hot rollers and hair gel today. I curled my hair the other day and it looked sooo beautiful but it wasn't enough. My hair never holds a curl, so I want some gel or cream that will hold it all day if I curl it. A curling iron takes like 30 mins to do the job, so hot rollers will do.
I missed Anthony Bourdain going to Sweden on the 9th. I waited a week for it, even wrote it down in my planner, and then completely forgot about it when the time came. Sighhh. Good thing they play reruns like 39/7.

waiting

I need to move out. I am too old for this crap still. I don't know how it happens, but as soon as I get within 20 feet of my parents I get so defensive and cranky and I can't stand them or myself. My mom and I have such different personality types, and they really conflict and contrast and do not mesh well. Also she is always depressed. For like, the past 10 years, she's constantly been depressed about something, and I have no sympathy for people who choose to wallow in pity, so that leaves me with even less patience. It's horrible, because she's staying so strong after so much crap has happened to her, but I just feel like she needs to look to the future and see good in her life instead of forever dwelling on things she feels should have been different.

School is starting in a few weeks, and I can't wait to start going. I want to meet new people, make more friends, get some work done.. the sense of accomplishment you get from school is like none other. I just hope I have the self control not to throw it away this time. I'm getting tired of everyone around me being so childish and selfish, so I'm hoping I'll end up meeting some people with a positive attitude and outlook, that won't be 2-faced and toss me to the side when they find something else to play with. That last statement might have been filled with some grudginess. The point is, I just want to get some work done. Note to self: email that woman about working for the school newspaper. I'd love to get that kind of exposure and experience. Also, I have to find out soon what books I'm going to need, etc.

I'm so bored right now. In general. Nothing is happening, no Lars to keep me feeling fulfilled daily, I weeded out pretty much all but 4 of my friends, I've got no car or job (not that I haven't been trying desperately to get one) and I can't really do anything without ideas. I feel like I'm wasting these days away.. which is always a horrible feeling, but really, I just can't think of anything to do with my limitations. I go for walks, exercise, listen to good music, relax, sleep.. which is great but it's so dumb. I can't even continue reading the Twilight series (which really isn't very good.. I just don't want to stop in the middle) because the third book isn't out in paperback, and I'm not spending $25 on a hardcover.

Maybe something new will happen. Lars starts his new job Monday, and I'm sooo happy for him, but I also kind of feel like it's taking us one step further away from each other. Also I am terrified of him flying on a plane so often, back and forth to Amsterdam every weekend. We'll see anyway. He is still everything I could ever ask for.. except the one big one. How can two people who are perfect for each other live so far away? Does that negate the whole idea of being perfect together? Because we might be perfect... but we're not together. It's very very hard. I miss him so much but I think I'm being good and strong about it all. Just a bit longer, is all I can tell myself, over and over. It's worth it in the end, helps too.