I feel no Christmas spirit at all.

In fact, I forgot it was Christmas.

Some guy crashed into me, totaled my car that I only bought a month ago.
I hate my job.  My boss is a dirty, old, racist, sexist man who completely misled me into this position.  I don't do any of the things I was told I would be doing (I have even been relocated from a 25 min drive to over an hour away.. one direction.. that's a lot of gas), and I am doing a bunch of things that my boss simply doesn't feel like doing.  He's the CEO so he apparently feels he can degrade and take advantage of his employees on a daily basis.
I don't have a problem with authority.. in fact I prefer working for/with people who have more experience, who I can look up to, so that I can learn from their experience and expertise.. but this guy doesn't even do anything.  He just pays everybody else to do it for him, and then treats them like crap in the process.
I need to get out of this rut..  I'm kind of back to square one, but whatever.. I made some pretty good money in the past month and I'm driving a really nice rental car in the meantime.  They can take as long as they want (it's already been 2 weeks since the crash and they haven't even come up with a number yet) because the insurance company is paying for it.

I really... REALLY... am tired of living in Chicago.

It's disappointing when somebody has such an awesome voice, but they're damn ugly.

Well, I'm home again.  I've been here a week and it's still hard to let it sink in.  Understatement of the year: I miss Lars.

I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I've had a few people contact me for interviews, so I'm going to try and get something going soon.  Even if they're not proper career types, it will help me save some money for the time being.  I don't know what to do with my degree..  I feel like getting a job or career going with a journalism degree won't happen, but I know I can use the communications aspect for a huge range of things so that's what I'm doing for the time being.
I feel sad but now I have tons of spare time.  I also signed up for a membership at Cardinal Fitness today so I'm definitely going to work out more regularly, and for more intense periods.  At home I can just ride the bike but if I go to a gym I'll be much more motivated and see results sooner.  I can't wait to go back tomorrow.

I'm also excited about getting myself a car.  No more sharing with mom and dad!!  It'll be great.  I just gotta find something I can afford, that has good gas mileage and will be safe.  Also manual transmission.  Dark colored preferably.  But cars are so cheap these days so I think I'll be able to find something good.  We'll see.

I'm going to start reviewing some of my perfumes on here.  I have so many at this point and I might as well talk about them.  I have never been able to choose just one perfume (unlike some women who wear the same brand for decades).

I had super duper weird dreams.  I think reading the Quran at night is having ..effects on my brain.

I miss going to Apple River Canyon.  The place humbled me so much growing up.. I have both good and bad memories from there but mostly it's the smell of the autumn air, campfire burning out, hearing my dad's creepy monster stories and lying in the hammock that remain so strongly in my mind.

Can't wait till this weekend.  Just.. can't wait.

We played the Silent Hill mod for Left 4 Dead last night.. for 4 and a half hours.  Honestly, I thought it would be another normal campaign but this one had 12 parts.  And they were full of these ridiculous puzzles that made no sense.  It was kind of disappointing in the end but it was something we just had to finish lol.
Apollo has been so good the past 2 nights.  He plays with me all the time.  Nibbling my fingers and my toes and not flying away when I pick him up.  And he loves to play with his little ball we bought him.  If we hold it he will fly onto our hand, pick the ball up, drop it on the floor and then chase after it.  He's so easily amused but I guess to a tiny bird who has only been alive for like 6 months, it's fascinating lol.  Plus he started making weird new sounds when I was talking to him so I think he was trying to talk.  He's so freaking cute ><

Can't wait for Tunisia.

I finished Brave New World last night.  I totally get what everybody has been raving about all these years.  Wish I had to read it in high school like everybody else did.
What life would I choose?  I don't know.  I guess I wouldn't have much of a choice if 'civilization' came to that.  I felt angered and also sympathetic for every character at some point or another.  Good stuff.
I have to start reading Dracula now.  But I think I'll go and try to sell some books I brought with me here.  I hope they give me more than a euro for them all.
I also still have to finish A Game of Thrones but in the meantime I really don't have time.  I want to read Dracula, continue with the Quran and some other things I've got lying around here.
Blah.  So much to do.

I'm going to go vegetarian I think.

I want to be in Tunisia by now.

Well my internship is over.  I've got a lot of spare time now which is both good and bad.

I'm so excited because we're going to Tunisia in 2 weeks.  I'm a bit nervous because it's a Muslim country, but that also makes it 10x more fascinating.  I'm also glad I've been reading the Quran and learning so much more about Islam in the past few months.

The cities are going to be fascinating and the beach... omg I cannot wait to lie on the beach.  It's going to be amazing.

I miss home though and I really am sad I'll be missing Halloween, but we'll go to a party here instead so it should be ok. It's just that the seasons in Chicago are so wonderful.  I really really do not like Ireland's constant crappy weather.  I feel angered by it, which is stupid, of course, but I really do.

In other news I think I might be allergic to Apollo.  My nose will not stop running and I can't stop sneezing while I'm at home with him.  I really love him and I hope I've just got a cold since the weather is changing.  Blah.

Tonight I want bratwurst for dinner!  Oktoberfest is still going on and they've got such delicious food for sale.  Unfortunately they don't have any of the fun crafts or chocolate or cool stuff for sale like they do in Chicago, but at least it's something.

Alright, errands to run.

I'm at work.  Out of things to do.  I'm hungry.

The other day at Chapters I, for the first time in my life, found the TY book on Korean.  It's exactly what I've wanted for years.  I wish I could have found it sooner.  I love grammar.  Love love love.

I'm hungry.
It's Friday, therefore I am happy.  I've had a cold for about 3 weeks but that's ok.  Lars and I will be playing Halo: Reach tonight most likely.  Then the party is tomorrow.
Maria is back in town <3
Time to find something to do!

Totally got paid.  Love it.

First on my shopping list:

new digital camera.. actually, I'll have to wait until I get home for that.

sunglasses

my expensive facial lotion they threw away are the airport.. jerks

SHOES.  SHOOOOOOOOOES.  For work and running

more and more and more perfume

I woke up late last night and I think I had an out of body experience.  I went to turn to get more comfortable, and I felt like.. >>I<< was moving, my mind and soul or whatever, but my body was just lying there and I couldn't control it.  It was in the night so maybe I was still half-asleep or something, but I do that all the time and for some reason this was just the weirdest feeling in the world.  So strange..

So after seeing my previous post I realize it's time to write something again.

I've been busy with my internship every day.  It's really really great.  And they're paying me.  Score.

I've been feeling so good lately too.  Because I have to get up so early every day I always sleep regularly and like a baby.  Well Lars is doing Ramadan so he gets up really early and eats a ton of stuff and that wakes me up which kind of sucks, but it's not so bad.  He's so strong and I love him for it.

So today was the first morning I went for a run.  It was tough, I won't lie, but it helped me wake up, and it didn't put me far behind at all.  I got home by the time I would usually be waking up, so I was able to get ready in the same amount of time without feeling rushed.  It was nice.  I just really really hope I will be able to keep it up at least every other morning.  Every time in the past that I've tried to go running on a regular basis I always lose motivation, but I'm thinking that because I'll be setting my alarm earlier, I'll be forced to do it.  Which is nice.

Also, I have to walk for an hour every day to get to and from work, so that's some pretty good exercise.  I just overall feel really really good lately.

It will definitely be nice to get paid next weekend though.

Alright, back to work.

This is day 1 of my sugar-detox and I'm already having cravings.  Sugar is totally a drug.  I get it now.  I want it out of my system.

BLOG FROM SWEDEN

I love it here.

So weird to be home.. it always feels surreal.  I'm glad to be with my family again.  And of course coming home to Dazzle is the most welcoming feeling.  We talked so much about everything.. our friendship just grows deeper and stronger with every new thing that comes our way.

Felt good to sleep in my bed again.  I love waking up early in the summer.  The world is so peaceful when it's early.  And the soothing rain and thunder were like a gift.. I'm so thankful for so many things.

I miss Apollo though he is so cute and sweet ><

Also, lesson to ponder for the weekend:  sometimes closure is just acceptance.

ISIS is playing their final show today.  Arg that grieves me..  I don't want to talk about it actually.

I feel sick.  Maybe I haven't been getting enough sun.  I'd love to sit on the balcony but it's covered with spiders.

Last night I dreamt there were zombies, and we were also trying to escape with my dad, and the front door wouldn't lock.. gah it was so stressful.

I really miss my dad.  I can't believe I'm going home in 3 days though.  It will be nice.. I just hope my mom doesn't drive me insane.

Yayyyy I get to eat tons of watermelon and other fruits and stuff that I can't eat here =D  Ok, I feel good about this hehe.

I love tea.

I've been sleeping better.. thank God.  And I finally stopped having such bad dreams.  I think I was having them because I felt tension between my mom and I, but I talked to my parents yesterday for Father's Day and I feel a lot better.  Even though they can drive me up a wall sometimes, talking to them can really comfort me.  I really do feel like I've got the best dad on the planet.  And one of the strongest (even though we rub each other the wrong way) mom's to ever walk the Earth.  That woman's willpower.. could take on anything.

I hate to talk about this stuff but I had a recent falling-out with somebody who I thought I was friends with for way too long.  Like, totally not really friends.. she's took advantage of me, had mad jealousy issues and the shortest temper, which she felt she could take out on me.  There was just so much disrespect coming from that girl.. I really do put up with peoples' garbage for too long.  She's my second cleaning-out of people whose negativity I won't tolerate in my life any longer.  But like most falling-outs I go through, the thought of her still angers me.  I'm just trying to move on from it.  She's not a part of my life, and so I shouldn't dedicate any of my thoughts to her.  It's like getting over an ex-boyfriend.. they did me wrong, and I finally made the decision to remove them from my own life, but I still have memories that plague me, and will continue to for a long time.  I'm just going to pray for serenity of mind for the time being.  The biggest part of getting rid of a bad person like that is to move on mentally and emotionally.  It's really traumatic to have somebody treat you wrong for that long.
Well hopefully writing about it here will help calm my thoughts too.  It wouldn't be so bad but I had a dream the other day..  it plainly showed me that I am still upset, even if I didn't even think about what happened during my daily life.
I feel my own life is way too precious.. I want to be good to myself.
Alright, I'm going to play some Fable II.. what a beautiful game.

And just to remind myself how awesome I am, here's an old pic I found from when I was in my room:

Even if our soul is limited to one life, spanning only a brief moment in time, and ceasing to exist thereafter, I'd rather spend it happy and making others happy.  What's the point of living miserably?  Being in debt?  Feeling the pangs of guilt or regret?  What a waste of time.

I definitely have a cold.  Actually, both Lars and I both have a cold.  Figures.

On my trip to the store, I found that they were selling these little dark green watermelons!  I've been craving watermelon so badly for the past few weeks, and now I found one.  It's a little strange.. the flesh is firmer and less sweet than the big ones, and I swear I taste and smell a hint of pumpkin in it.  Pretty interesting, and I can't complain.  It's watermelon, and it's delicious.

Also, here's my new jacket.  It's so comfortable and perfectly warm.

Call of Duty 4 has the stupidest gameplay ever.  I'm so frustrated by a retarded game because they decided to make it one of those 'keep reloading from a checkpoint until you reach the next one because you're going die about 20 times before you get there' games.  I thought they stopped with that since the old Soldier of Fortune.  All games like that do is piss you off until you feel like you need to break the damn controller.  Obviously, I'm pretty upset right now.  But this game would be SO good if it were possible to play for 15 seconds without getting randomly blown up.  It's boring having to sit in cover around some corner, sniping away at enemies while your objective clock runs down.  The enemies are never ending.  It's just ridiculous and doesn't leave you with a sense of accomplishment at all.  One of the worst shooters I've ever played, easily.  Although it's more upsetting because it COULD be amazing.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I feel so frustrated today.  Just generally bad.  The stupid embassy people can't answer my question (or won't, seeing as they refuse to talk to me on the phone and every time they email me, they answer the wrong question), I have no money and I ran out of fun video games to play.  I just want something else to do.  I want some friends here in Ireland.

Weird dreams again.. why? Why why why?  Really weird.  Do not like this.

I'm always wondering why Dublin is such an unfashionable city.  I'm not huge into fashion, but I appreciate a well-done outfit, hot shoes, accessories etc.. if I had more money, I definitely think I'd be more fashionable than I am.

Anyway, I really can't figure out this problem.  Is it because they're confined to an island?  Guys walking around with mullets, baggy t-shirts that say adidas or Nike across the front, and a different sports brand of track pants, which are cleverly tucked into their socks.  Really ugly sneakers on the bottom.  There's no excuse for that.  It DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.  Why???  Who created this disaster?  And what's worse, there's a lot of older men who walk around wearing that kind of garbage, because they want to seem like cool young kids.  I'm aghast.  I'll try to post some pics later.

The girls aren't as bad.  They generally wear really cute heels or sneakers and skinny jeans/leggings.. but then they go and wear an ugly shirt just to throw you off.  And they're obsessed with the 80's hair.  Don't get me wrong, I like the teased-80's hair look, but they take it in a different direction.. the wrong direction.  Again, I'll post pics later.  It's embarassing.

Last night I had weird dreams.  First, I dreamt my grandpa was staying with us, and then he started getting really sick so we were trying to take him to the hospital because we knew he didn't have much time left.. it was really awful.  In the dream I had to think 'Wait, hasn't this already happened?  He's not alive, is he?'  and then remembered that he had already died.  Gah.. it was so terrible.  Why would I dream that?  I was so used to seeing him as this incredibly fragile, dying man.. but he was so wonderful.  I miss him so much.  I really really do.

Got ISIS- Live V, and life is good again.  Oh, how this music racks my soul.
I'm definitely gonna get an ISIS tattoo someday.  I decided long ago, it's just a matter of when and where.  I'd like it on the back of my neck, but I want to be able to see it too.  I also think I finally want to go blonde.. just for a little while.

Ahhh I love Mass Effect 2 so much!  I think I should go back and replay the first one, because I don't really remember it too much.  Also I realized I didn't get very many achievements from it.  Dunno why I didn't.. I played it all the way through but apparently I didn't get 150 pistol/shotgun kills etc.  Those should be easy.  Ah well.

Alright, back to listening to the best music imaginable and chillin.

I love Fridays!!!!

Weekends in general.. Getting to stay up late with Lars and sleep in with him.. playing games and watching shows and goofing around like two kids in love.. I do love him so much.. everything it takes to be with him, it's worth it.

I bought a new jacket yesterday. It's awesome and fits right and it the perfect price. I might actually go back to that store and get another one.. all their jackets were on sale because it's summer, and they had a few different ones that were all really cute. Luckily the weather was gorgeous.

I might make Lars take me somewhere today.. we're both up pretty early and the weather should be nice. We'll see.

Teaaaaaa!!!

Weeeeeee I finally finished Mass Effect 2!!! 100% paragon which was nice.. I got to save a few of my characters because of it. Unfortunately, Mordin didn't make it during the final fight. It's kind of ok because I didn't like him.. being all anti-Krogan >> However, I'm missing out on 75 gamerscore because of him. I might go back and redo it. Blah.. I dunno. We'll see. I have no idea how anybody gets up past level 30 on these games. I've done EVERYTHING it has to offer and I'm only 28.. I can't figure out what else I can do.
Alright, off to bed. So tired. Tomorrow's FRIDAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

I feel really pretty today.

All I want is a real job.. I feel so crummy when I want to do things and can't.  Especially when I want to get something for somebody else or treat somebody.  When I worked in the past, I always paid for people and went out and had a great time because I knew how to spend my money.. so I feel really awful being so broke.  But I'll get on my feet soon and then I'll be financially freeeeeeeee!  Well, for the most part.
So I bought a new purse today.  I really like it.. soft gray leathery, and lots of pockets. They were selling it everywhere but I found it in a shop where it was discounted 15e so I got it cheaper than anywhere else that I saw.  Smart shopper ftw.

I feel solemn today.

Alright.. It's about 8 am and I'm UP!  For the day.  No napping. 
There were these horrible sounds coming from across somewhere around the water outside our apartment.. I thought it was a dying cat.. I know that's a cliche, but I honestly thought it was a dying cat.. and then I opened the window to check if I needed to save an animal, and then I thought it was an old man crying with all of his might.  What in the world could have been making such a sound?  Lars walked to work and said it was 2 seagulls >>  I feel like if seagulls could make such a ruckus I would have known it years ago.  Even if it were a sealion, that would have been way more believable.

I kind of want to delete my Facebook account.  FB has brought me more grief than anything.. the only thing I want instead of it is a place to post all of my photos.  I can't figure out Flickr and I don't think Photobucket can possibly hold that many pictures.  Also unfortunately, nobody uses anything besides Facebook so it's kind of pointless to look for a new social networking site.

I want to go shopping today.  I want some new shoes, a new purse and maybe perfume.  I know, it's all my guilty pleasures.. but I've been using the same old stuff for way too long.. I need an update.  I really like this purse from Topshop:
http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=40&viewAllFlag=false&catalogId=19551&storeId=12556&categoryId=169015&parent_category_rn=130031&productId=1645128&langId=-1  I wish I could get just an image to show up but a link will suffice.

Chicken stuffed with wild rice for dinner, can probably finish Mass Effect 2 sometime in the evening, and I think I'm good to go =)

That Danish embassy better write me back really soon about my Swedish visa.. I wrote them 5 business days ago and still, nothing.

Breakfast time!!!  <3 Tea

I'm looking forward to seeing Eclipse when I get home.  The movies are terrible but at the same time the characters are more true to life than most others in movies about teenage/high school drama.  I really don't get it.. the final book (Breaking Dawn) was so good.. hense my theory that Stephanie Meyer didn't even write it..  I just wish the whole series would have been like it.  I won't talk about it because that would be spoilers >>

I can't wait to go to Sweden.  It's so peaceful in Nykoping and Lars' family is so much fun.  I really want to live and work there someday.. I just have to make sure I have a way to get a job.  Hopefully I'll be able to meet people within the journalism field.. it's all about networking!

Alright, stair running and lunges.  Then store.. no clue what I'm going to feed Lars tonight.  Pot roast is always so wholesome but he hates any meat with fat on it, and most beef is extremely fatty, which is why it's so delicious.  I also need to buy some more socks and white tshirts for him.  Exercising always helps my brain function better.  I'll try that first.  Also I really need some energy.  I feel so drained today.

Burj Khalifa..  2,717 feet tall.  The tallest THING ever created by mankind.  In all of our existence, this is it.  It's so hard to believe this building actually exists.  Every picture of it looks like one of those CGI created images.  It's monstrous.  But it's also the first of those "futuristic cities" we see in a lot of really beautiful artwork.. like this:

And yes, that's Illium from Mass Effect 2.  Nobody creates a realistic, futuristic world better than the people who created that game.  <3

The more childish, disrespectful, unappreciative people who remove themselves from my beautiful life, the better.

Lars came back from Sweden.. with a mountain of candy.  Not just any candy.. Swedish candy.  I thought I was on the right track running up and down the stairs and doing lunges.. but he brought back tons of Maoam.. the good kind, like we had in Amsterdam.  I'm done for lol.  Actually, no.. I think I can conquer this.  

I like wearing his robe.

I slept alright last night.. although I had dreams about a huge star in Mass Effect.. I'm so scared of huge things.. it's probably some instinctual fear but certain things just scare the crap out of me.  So much that I really almost faint.. Thinking about really deep water in the ocean has the same effect.. my mind just can't comprehend the enormity of it.  Blah..
I found an almost perfect way to exercise!  I never thought about it, but there's like 6 floors in this apartment building and almost no one uses the stairs.  I've never seen anybody walking up and down them actually haha.  So I've been running up and down them and walking 2 at a time and stuff.. it's a great workout.
Also I found a delicious sandwich to make.. tuna, mayo and sweet corn on wheat toast.  I can't explain it, but all the flavors together are amazing.  Omnom =)

Lars is coming back todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

I love my dad so much.  Just thinking about him makes me want to cry.. I can't wait to go home and give him a huge hug.

I'm gonna be so glad when Lars is back tomorrow.  I feel like myself when I'm alone, but when I'm with him, I feel full.

Today was more gorgeous weather...  but something about the world was so surreal.
While I was walking around I felt like I could extend a hand and push it right through reality.  Reminds me of the times I would stay up for hours, contemplating life and if anything really exists.. well, that was because of other reasons.. but sometimes things feel so fragile, you wonder if it's possible to break free of this world.. this life.

So I set my alarm for 10 am, and was having such a nice dream I turned it off and fell back asleep, completely forgetting the dream.  I've been sleeping so badly.. blah.  I need to stop staying up late.  I like being up in the night; I've always been a night owl.. but I just can't stand sleeping late.  I like the night AND the morning.. missing the morning makes me feel like I'm out of the loop.  I'll start getting up at 7 just because.
I did a ton of lunges yesterday and boy am I feeling them.  I love doing lunges.. they work so many muscles at once, you really feel like you're making your body work when you do them.  And I know they're strengthening my knees and hips, which is really important to me considering the problems I've had with them in the past.
I'm going to use the stairs to run up and down today.. good aerobics and leg workout!  I'm so glad I'm done with school.. I can finally work out and have time to take better care of my body.  I hated being downtown.. I had to eat fast food so many times.. yuck.
Alright, time to relax on the balcony for a while.

In love.

Well I'm on day 2 of my weekend alone here.  It's going well.  I'm not feeling all lonely or depressed yet which is good.. I'm thinking that since I've gotten over those anxiety attacks I was having since last summer, most of the other negative emotions that overwhelmed me have calmed down too.  Which I'm so insanely grateful for.. I hated living like that.
I walked around the city for about 3 hours.  Such a nice day out.  I wish I had someone here to just hang out at a park with or something.
I'm also really craving watermelon but unfortunately nobody sells it here.  Blah.
While I was out I sprayed  some Viva La Juicy.. I've seen it a lot at the mall and stuff but when I finally smelled it I sort of fell in love.  God grant me the strength to overcome this urge to buy even more perfume :(

Well, here I am, alone.  Lars has gone home to Sweden until Sunday.  Blah.  No idea what I'm going to do with myself for the next 3.5 days.  Actually I have lots of ideas but I have such issues with being alone.. I start getting really depressed and sometimes even suicidal.  I didn't use to be that way.  When I was younger I could go days without talking to anyone and I felt so at peace and relaxed, but as I've grown up more I've become more emotionally attached to people.  I guess that has to do with finally admitting to myself a few years ago that I need exposure to other people and friends and whatnot.  Of course it's really complicated and I've written about it a hundred times over in my real journals but I guess that's just how life works.  I'm glad I've thought about my own internal battles so logically in the past.. it really helps a person get over something traumatic if they know how to look at it.
At least while Lars is away I know he's with his friends and family and will be having a really good time.  I sometimes wonder if he doesn't see enough of them.. he only goes home about twice per year.  Also I can stay here and walk around in the evening and eat healthy food like I want to haha..  I have to eat so much junk that I don't want to when he's around because he doesn't like vegetables very much.  Actually the past 3 days I cooked 3 really delicious, healthy dinners.  Well yesterday he wanted tacos so I tweaked them a bit so they were healthier.  It feels good to be able to feed somebody you love and know you did it the right way.
So yeah.. I guess for now, I'm gonna.. uh.. clean?  Replay Mass Effect 2 with my imported character?  I can do anything I want actually =/  Weirdddd.

Well it looks like I won't be going to see ISIS.  Uggggg...  how miserable that makes me feel.  Whatever.. I don't want to think about it anymore.
I'm almost done with ME2.  I need to replay it again anyway with my imported character from the first one, so it's not that big of a deal.

New Korean group SISTAR.  I really like this song:


So I have this friend.. he's constantly complaining about how horrible things are.  I've never known such a pessimistic person.  Not to mention, he's totally chauvinistic, always saying how terrible women are and how they're just blood-sucking "creatures" and all of these other horrible things.  I always try to put him in his place and make him see how ridiculous it is to say things like that.. men are incredibly complicated too so it's not like women are the only people causing problems.  I have no idea what traumatic experience he went through to cause him to see things that way.

I gotta find a place where I can stream the Stanley Cup Final.  I don't care much for hockey but anything with Chicago is gonna make life interesting for the next few weeks.

There's no words to describe how good I'm feeling right now.  All of that worrying.. it hurts to think back to how afraid and uncertain about things I was just a few months.. no, a few weeks ago.  Now I've got my papers in order, another trip to beautiful Sweden planned with Lars and an amazing internship lined up.. everything I worked for, prayed for and hoped for is going right.  Just more proof that you have to really work for what you want.. sitting around won't get you anywhere unless you're REALLY lucky or somebody is pathetic enough to do something for you.
Now, back to Mass Effect 2!

I'm really considering flying to Portland on the 21st to catch ISIS's 2nd to last show.  It will be extremely expensive, and we all know I can't afford the additional ticket back to Chicago.. but I feel like I will die regretfully if I don't see them one last time.  Oh God I don't know what to do with myself.

I wish I had more money saved.  I really REALLY want to see them again.. there will be no more ever after this summer.  I wish I could just take out a loan for this.

My heart is aching.

Man I slept terribly last night.  Too much caffeine and Lars made me sleep on his side of the bed, which was abnormal and made me feel awkward ><
Blahhh.
Still, I have lots to do today.

When you fall asleep, you have to forget yourself.

MASSSSS EFFECTTTT 22222222!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MUST PLAY ALWAYS

Trying to play Mass Effect 2 and even though I've been playing almost 30 hours, I keep getting more and more and MORE stuff to do.  This game is going to take ages to finish fully!

And why are the husks 10,000x more annoying than in ME?!?!?  Oh ok, go destroy the alien artifact creating husks?  Sure, no problem!  I just have to attempt to punch my way through 50 husks running at me at the same time, and end up getting mauled to death in the process!   Don't even know where this alien artifact is ffs.

I will finish it ><

I feel so amazingly content and happy with my life right now.
There's nothing I'd change right now.  Some things are up in the air, but it's fine.  My life is going somewhere.  I'm so glad for the people who have stayed by my side throughout the years and even the ones who have treated me wrong.. they've taught me a lot of lessons.

I love my life.

More errands to run!  Yesterday was Lars' bday.  It was fun.  Although I made a cake that neither of us felt like eating so it's just sitting in the kitchen.

New 4Minute mini-album out.  Love them.

I need to get a frame for my Rembrandt poster.
Also I need to go to Clery's now.

I can't believe I got semi-groped in Paris.  This grosslooking old guy did one of those 'I'm walking towards you but I don't know which way to go' so we ended up bumping into one another (on purpose most likely) and his hand "accidentally" touched my thigh.. yuck.  He was SO disgusting.  I can't believe men like that think they are entitled to any respect in this world.  There are way more of them out there than I would have believed a few years ago.  I hope this experience doesn't traumatize me or anything.  I don't think it will but I just want to move past it and forget it.  I've definitely heard of it happening a lot in Paris before so even before we left, I was thinking it could happen to me.  Oh well.

Alright, off into the world.

Though I'm very glad to be back in Dublin with Lars, after an amazing week with Michelle, I finally have time to mourn the loss of the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.. ISIS is no more.

It doesn't seem like it could be true.. ISIS splitting is as close to one of my worst nightmares I could imagine, and yet here it is.

It's absolutely surreal how much they've changed my life for the better.  The emotions I've felt, beyond anything I could ever imagine I could have been able to..  the bliss and divinity I've experienced listening to their music.. oh God I feel like I will have a breakdown knowing they won't be making any more music.  No more shows to catch.  It HURTS me physically.

All I can say is that I am so happy to have been able to know about this band, live in the time when they were creating magic and see them in front of me more than once.  I can't really explain how I feel about them.. they're like my other half.

I've got plenty of pictures of my trip to upload, stories to tell and experiences to reflect upon, but for now I just want to close my eyes and look back at the life I've lived for the past 9 years and how much of it exists the way it does, because I've had ISIS.

Bestttttt week everrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

So my flight is landing in Shannon, Ireland... and then there will be a 3 hour bus ride to Dublin. Yay >>


I hope it looks like that when I get there. That would make up for it.

I am praying my flight doesn't get canceled tomorrow.

Oh.. mah.. gah..
These are incredible. I want one ><
http://www.dumage.com/fancy-toys-made-of-waste-by-brian-marshall/
Or at least have the tools to make them myself =D I've got enough junk lying around haha.

Alright, off for a game of minigolf with dad! What a beautiful day for it.

I feel.. aching pain.. when I listen to ISIS. I oftentimes think Cult of Luna can compare to them because they are the only other band I've known of who can do such magical things with music.. but then I listen to Threshold of Transformation, and I don't feel worthy to even be hearing such .. there's no word to describe the music ISIS creates. It's not even music.. it's so far beyond it. Maybe I'm just overtired and have been put into a trance after blasting it for an hour in the car, but I think something other-worldly comes over them when they go to play these songs, because I do not feel on any Earthly plane when listening to the best of them. It's so good at some points I don't even want to breathe because it will distract me from taking in all the essence. All of my other senses become obsolete.
Actually I probably shouldn't drive and listen to them so much because I don't feel like I can keep my eyes open.. visions are just another distraction from the divinity.
If I could sacrifice sleep in order to just loop their albums forever, I'd do it.

I'm so tired but I must go see Sarah tonight!

Ah HA!!! I have fixed my blog. No more weird looking things where they shouldn't be.
This will be updated more frequently with my travels and stuff. Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have so much more time to fill with things I enjoy, and one of those is blogging... which sounds lame, but it's the truth.

Graduation was awesome yesterday. I got teary eyed at some parts. When I saw my sister in the audience with my grandma I just wanted to run out of the line and give her the biggest hug. I've had the most supportive family even though they knew I always struggled with school. I'm glad I made them proud.

I've only got 2 more days at home and then I'm off to Europe and my love. Jeez I'm going to be so busy until I literally get to the airport. I just hope I can fit everything in and still have time to pack and not forget something, which I always seem to do.

Since I have some time, I think I'll start packing now...

Ahhhh why is it that after I have an AMAZING time hanging out with people, I have to leave??? I just had the most awesome night hanging out with Sandor and Mike and Dazzle.. I'm going to miss them like crazymad.

Ryan seems to be taking a heavy toll on Dazzle.. she's been sacrificing her schoolwork and even social life because of some issues between them. Blech.. women put up with a lot of BS from guys.
It was just so awesome to see Sandor again. I hope to hang out with him a lot more over the summer, and even just talk to him a lot. Also I love that I have a hair curler that actually works. Nighty night!! My ass is graduating in the morning =)

IIIIIIIIIIII'm done with schoooooooooool =)

Bedtime now.

I'm trying to figure out the right way to code my blog. I'm able to change around the text but I still can't move that header or change the background color or anything. It's pretty annoying. I think I might be MISSING codes actually.. hmm.. I'll look into that.

I really think I could potentially (if my professors love me) get 4 A's this semester. Maybe.
I know I have an A in ballet. I can't see any reason why I'd get less than an A in the photo class. I've worked hard and feel I've earned an A in my Monday class, and Madigan has always said he likes how I write.. plus I've turned everything in and gotten A's on the assignments, including the midterm essay.
So we'll see.
Not expecting more than a B in the Broadcasting class and this convergence newsroom class has been a nightmare.. I'll be happy with a C. Blah.

But yeah, I'm feeling good right now. Really really good.

My standards for friends has gone up drastically recently, and I'm feeling like most of the people I know don't make the cut anymore. I feel no remorse in kicking them to the curb.

Ahhhhhh I just want it to be summer! And eat chocolate and get a job and never worry about stuff ever again.

E.via - Shake


That is all.

I'll be dancing if you need me.

My very last week of school EVER is over.
Well there's finals week but that doesn't count. I still have a buttload of work to do tomorrow, but I'll still be done soon yay!
I hope I can find a job in Sweden this winter so I can move there.

I refuse to tolerate peoples' bad attitudes anymore. There are so many people who think it's acceptable to be a total bitch or jerk to people around them.. like, if they're upset, they have to make everyone know it and try to ruin everyone else's moods. What gives them the idea that's going to be tolerated?
Well, it won't be by me. Not that I'm ever confrontational.. I just choose not to have those people around me or think it's alright. I spend 90% of my time thinking of how I can make life more fun and easier for the people around me.. honestly. That's what life should be about. We're all stuck here together so we might as well make each other feel good.

It's going to feel so good to have that 2nd degree. One that actually might get me a job.

I'm really proud of myself.

Good morning world.
It took me until about 2:30 am to fall asleep, and there I was 4 hours later waking up. Sigh.

I've been craving salty food for the past 2 days, so therefore ramen for breakfast.. nom. After I boil the noodles I always dump out about half of the water it cooked in.. that gets rid of some of the oil so I hope it at least isn't as unhealthy that way. Obviously ramen will never be healthy but I can at least get rid of some of the sodium and whatnot.

Boy do I have my work cut out for me today. Projects projects projects.. then I need to get a copy of my transcript from school, apply for this work permit and ballet tonight and blahhh.. I dunno, we'll see what else.

Is this really my last week of college? Of school? Ever? Wow.. weird. Hasn't sunk in yet.

I'm going to need some therapy after this is over. I've become totally insomniatic, if that's even a word. I don't remember what a good night's sleep feels like.
All I know is I've got a scheiss-ton of projects and homework to do still, and there's no time for celebrating yet.

There is a groundhog living in our backyard. He was out there munching on our dandelions.. completely adorable. I am in love. What should I name him? It'll come to me.

3 weeks until I'm back with Lars and then flying around Europe with Michelle. Good times are coming. I'm just praying I'll be able to make my money back on it. Arg..

I think I'm hungry and that's why I can't sleep.

I've found my other long-lost love of reading again as well. Dad got me a whole book of the best HP Lovecraft stories.. I've read the first 3 and they're terrifyingly seductive. What an author.
I hope it lasts me until the plane rides.

I miss my rook.

Just 4 more weeks.
4 more.
Actually, only about 3 more because the 4th week is finals.
Oh God just THREE MORE WEEKS OF THIS.

Lisa, do not fail me now. You can do it. Just work a little harder. You're almost done and you never ever have to look back. Just do it for yourself and your future. One year from now you will be so glad you did this. Don't let go yet.

Oh my Goddddd I do not want to go to school today. Do not do not do not.

mehhhhhhhhhhhh........
i feel really bad lately. i havent worked out in like 3 weeks, ive got tons of ballet classes to make up and a lot of extra work to do for school. god i wish it was summer already.

http://www.rdos.net/eng/poly12c.php?p1=69&p2=40&p3=69&p4=65&p5=67&p6=58&p7=37&p8=24&p9=26&p10=32&p11=76&p12=14

I'll have to look at this more later. Don't really understand it.

My life is so not enjoyable right now.

Paypal glitched, so I didn't get my poster. Even though I was sitting there refreshing the page until the very second it went up for sale. Sold out in less than 5 minutes, all the while I was trying to fix my Paypal info.. I should have been waiting for my confirmation email for my order. Omg I hate everything.

If I go to my class today, I'll have gone 2 whole weeks without missing a class.
So I talked to my prof and he suggested I change my project topic, which I did gladly. And apparently we are allowed to use public housing outside of the city, so I don't have to go into gangland to do my work, yay! That takes a LOT of stress off my shoulders.
I slept better last night. It got so warm in my room I finally just put a book over my vent and turned the fan right onto myself which I never usually do. It's much easier to sleep if you're slightly cold than if you're sweating balls all night.
Ok, I guess I should go to class. Meh..

Fourth night in a row I haven't slept well. I keep having nightmares. Not the ones I'm used to either.. when I get stressed I always have those horrible somebody's-chasing-me dreams, but lately I just keep waking myself up because in my dreams.. it's as though I know something really really scary or horrible is about to happen in them and I don't want to dream it. How weird is that? I hate having scary dreams so when I wake up I try to brush off the feeling and think of something nicer, but then when I fall back asleep the same thing happens only a minute later. I don't know when I'm ever going to sleep normally again. Maybe this is because I've been eating dinner so late at night. I'll try to eat earlier and go to bed on an empty stomach like I usually do.. I sleep like a baby when that happens but my schedule lately is just so weird that it's hard to keep up with it.

I feel a lot less stressed about my convergence class.. apparently we don't have to focus on public housing within the city, and there's tons of assisted living places in Dupage county, so I can stay closer to home instead of going into the ghettos, yay!

Off to record something interesting for my broadcast class.. blech.

My head is spinning. I don't know how to handle this part of my life. I've never actually come so close to completing anything this important. What's my next step? Where do I want to go next? What will I do for money? There's so much up in the air. I just hope it works out. Therefore, despite my infinite worrying, I will try not to worry.

My heart is not in my Convergence Newsroom class.. AT.. ALL. Yet another class whining and complaining about homeless people, and actually making us go out and trying to solve the problem? Are they just playing a terrible joke on us? We're spending thousands of dollars on this class, and they can't even come up with something productive or POSSIBLE for us to accomplish.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HOMELESS PEOPLE. There will always be poor people because there will always be rich, greedy people. You can't have one without the other. I am so hateful towards this class but I need to take it and just get it over with. I just feel so angry that I have to go out into these horrible, filthy, dangerous parts of the city and talk to people. People get murdered raped and attacked there every day.. I don't want to put my life on the line for a problem that will never ever be solved. This is absolute bs. I'm so tired of my school shoving all this 'social justice' crap down our throats.

I wonder about all the people who were alive in the past. I might have been great friends with some of them. Some lovers. Some enemies. Some I might have had sleepovers with when we were little girls, and which ones would have crushes on me and vice versa. People are always the same.. it's just the state of the world that changes.

I miss them all. It's so sad to just be gone forever.

sooooo much homeworkkkkkkk

Soooo.. I've been tracking my PS2 in transit. It started off in Kansas.. then I checked again tonight and it's in.... Rhode Island? Um.. Kansas is one state over and it got shipped all the way to the other side of the US first? Confused. But whatever. As long as it gets here in one piece and isn't broken at all. Well if that's the case then I'll just get my money back but whatever.

Today was a nice day at school etc. I just hope I can get a good amount of sleep tonight.

Reading Arabian Nights is making my life so much more invigorating.. can't explain it. It's just such an amazing series of stories.

Alight.. off to bed.

I have another wishlist item:
http://omgposters.com/2010/02/12/ornate-pattern-art-print-set-by-shepard-fairey-onsale-info/

So gorgeous. They will probably sell out before I could buy them but meh. They'll make a good desktop wallpaper.

I'm so tired of my parents staying home from work. I just want to be AWAY from them. They drive me absolutely insane. Even my dad, who doesn't do anything to me directly, but, for instance, leaves his phone alarm clock on even when he stays home from work, which I can hear from all the way across the house but he sleeps blissfully cuz he has hearplugs in. So I end up having to get up at 5 am anyway to go downstairs and turn the alarm off. When all I've been wanting for days is a full nights sleep. I need my own place man..

I want my ISIS poster.

I bought a PS2 and am waiting for it to be delivered. I also bought 5 games for it that are supposed to be great. Well actually I already played one of them and another is a sequel to a game that I absolutely love so I'm sure it will be fun. I can't wait to play Xenosaga.. the storyline sounds so amazing and it's really open-ended or something so I really just can't wait to play it.
Games on my wishlist:
the .Hack series

I guess that's about it for now actually. I've got a LOT of gaming to do in the meantime. Unfortunately the system won't be shipped till.. oh, Monday? LAME. I haven't been able to play games in so long because my computer doesn't run any new ones, and I played all the ones I already have so much and for so long I basically have them memorized word for word, scene for scene. So this will be a good change. Also it will take up a lot of spare time I'm plagued with.

I'm still sick but it's less crappy. I still feel really weak and drained. I have no idea what kind of sickness this is either. Usually I'm just bursting with energy but it's almost impossible to even stand for more than a few minutes without feeling light-headed and like I'm going to faint. It's really really lamesauce.

Well I'm going to go read some crap.. I probably had some homework. Meh.

Something in me really wants to become a carpenter. Building things out of wood has always been fun and gives me a sense of accomplishment. It's becoming a lost skill.. most jobs these days just want people to sit in front of a computer, dulling us down mentally and physically. I've always wanted to learn a real vocational skill.
Maybe I'll take a class and learn how to build chairs and cabinets. It might even be fun to help build a house. That's how people lived and worked and survived for millenia before capitalism took over and people started wanting brain-dead drones to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. Society is losing its ability to build its own things, fix its own utilities and provide its own furnishings.

Yes. I will look into this. I'd probably have an easier time finding a job hammering stuff together than anything in the Journalism field anyway.

Uggggg why do I feel so HORRIBLE??? I'm trying to rest, eat lots of grapefruit and soup and do all the mythical get-better-quick schemes and none of it's working. I have absolutely no physical strength, I'm full of body aches and my head is constantly swimming. When I have to drive anywhere I feel like turning the wheel takes every ounce of strength in me. And on top of it I missed my long day at school, which REALLY bothers me because I shouldn't be missing any.

I just want to sleep all weekend. I think I'll do that. That sounds nice. Good night world.

Sick, getting sicker, and very very tired. If I don't eat I feel nauseous, if I eat I feel nauseous, if I sleep I wake up and when I'm awake all I want to do is sleep. Misery has found me.

I feel so... passionate lately.
About my beliefs, in class, in making myself better. But I feel like Lars is getting further and further away. I barely talked to him in the past two weeks.. He's always got something else to do. I feel angry at him and sad at the same time. But I really love school and my life in general right now. That's how I know I don't need a man to make me happy. I have myself, and other people may come and go but I'll always know who I am.

I have no idea what the future will bring, but I want to be in it.

If anybody ends up hurting me, I won't be too upset because I will know they weren't meant to be in my life. The good ones stay.

Love my rook. It's healing wonderfully.

I absolutely must keep reminding myself on a daily basis to just take it easy, nice and slow, not to worry about the future. I am so stressed out about this final semester of mine. As soon as I start imagining the work I'll have to do for my classes, I start to panic and feel like I need to get it all done right now before it's all late.
I should talk to a counselor about this problem. I just need to tough it out, relax and take things as they come. I can't possibly screw up unless I really just don't come to class and don't do anything. My professors are so great and have constructed the semesters so practically that I really shouldn't feel stressed out at all. We see everything coming and will have plenty of time to think things out. I guess I'm just inexperienced when it comes to doing a lot of work outside the classroom, which is what a lot of my work is going to involve. It's going to feel SO good to graduate >>

I am at this moment somewhere between a panic attack, anxiety attack and a tantrum.
http://omgposters.com/2010/01/29/aaron-horkeys-isis-baroness-tour-poster/

I MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST HAVE THEM. OH MY GOD I AM DYING INSIDE.

All I want to eat for the rest of my life is Quaker Oat Squares, Cinnamon Oatmeal and fruit. So delicious.

My work-out routine confuses me. I fit it all in: aerobics 3/4 days per week, abs, weight training, lunges, plus I eat very healthily. I basically live off of fruit, oatmeal, yogurt and sometimes fruit and forms of fresh protein. However, I'm not losing weight. Well, I might have lost a pound. It's not that I want to lose a ton of weight.. my goal was to tone, and I can see that I have. My love-handles have shrunk significantly, jeans fit more nicely etc.. but I thought I might at least lose 3-5 pounds in the past two weeks. I really don't want to lose a lot of weight, like I said, and I can even understand my weight being stable if my muscle mass is increasing.. but meh, I guess it would just be nice to see the scale go down a little bit. Probably every girl thinks that, even though weight is no indicator of health. At the end of the day, I feel AMAZING. I'm so glad I have taken care of my body so well over the past 2 years, and I fully intend to continue doing so.

Off to bed now.

So this is what a college major should be like.
I am in Journalism boot camp. It's all I'm living and breathing. I don't think I like it but in some sick way, it feels really really good to hone an expertise. Especially this.. because I feel it's very important to learn what I'm learning. I'm really grateful to be in college.
Last day of my first week now!

Day one of school: stiff neck.
Day two: a bit less-stiff neck but sore, and didn't sleep a wink.
What else wants to go wrong this week? I'm really frustrated. I seriously didn't sleep a wink all night. I absolutely freaking HATE this feeling. I really need to do well and be able to concentrate. I think I'm probably working out too close to my bedtime.. but I only feel motivated to work out at night because that's when I have the most free time. Uggg.. now I have to drink lots of coffee and feel sick all day.

First class of my last semester done! I'm really excited about this one. We'll be learning to blog (on a more professional level), make websites, market stories we write and all that. VERY useful stuff with the way the internet is taking over the world. I'm so glad my school kicks ass at this sort of thing. They've got such great technology to learn on too.. best computer labs in the city.

I woke up this morning with a stiff neck from hell. It wasn't as bad as one I had about a year ago.. I couldn't even get out of bed for that morning, but I managed to get through the day without having to turn my head. Sweet Hiral helped me cross the street and put my books away haha. It's so nice to have so many classes with the same people. I feel almost sad that my college is coming to an end. My life has changed 1000% since I graduated high school. I'm still me, but I'm so grateful for the people who have helped me, loved me, hated me, screwed me over, criticized me and had faith in me.. they've made me a happier person with stronger, wiser beliefs.

Still have no idea about that ballet class. I'm kind of glad of it.. I really don't want to be dancing around when I can barely move my left arm and my neck is paralyzed.
Early to bedddddddd!

What a weekend. Wait, it's barely begun! I stayed the night with Daz last night.. we made brownies (which I couldn't take pictures of because my camera decided to stay home), drank delicious champagne and played Little Big Planet for about 4 hours straight haha. Great game. It's a little too competitive.. I hate competition because it takes away the teamwork aspect and it makes everyone try to sneak around to get extra points and not help one another. Because in the end the point is to get all of the stickers and items, and we can't do that if we're just racing each other to get as many points as possible. It's really annoying. But either way we had a good time.

I can't believe school is starting on Monday. I can't enjoy the fact that it's my last semester.. I just feel like it's going to be really difficult for some reason. Maybe I just care more than usual. It would be so great to get straight A's. My stupid ballet class' days/times STILL aren't posted.. no idea if I'm even going to end up taking the damn thing. Blech.

Wondering if I should wait a bit longer to eat lunch. I'm really trying to slim down a bit. I can see that I have too, which feels great.. but I don't want to slack off and then get nowhere like I've been doing for the past few weeks. But it would be nice to go see Lars and feel more confident in lingerie or something. Ah well. We'll see how it goes.

I really should clean my room up.

1-22-10

Haven't blogged in a while. My life has been so crazy the past few weeks. Good and bad. Mostly good. I finished my one week photography course. Still dunno what grade I got but I feel I worked for an A, so we'll see how that goes. Couldn't hurt my GPA!
Got my rook piercing, which is amazingly hot. I'm so glad I finally just decided to get it. I put it off for way too long. It itches like hell though, which is awful because I don't want to touch it and spread germs around. Ah well, I got through it with my bellybutton so this should be ok.
I have total renewed motivation to work out, so I feel really energetic lately and overall more focused and alert. I love working out so much, I always hate knowing that I should be doing it more often than I do, so it's good stuff.
So excited for the new SNSD song coming out, called Oh! I freaking love them so much. They have so many haters but every famous person does, so meh. Love them anyway ^^
I'm gonna try and enjoy the rest of my 3 days before my final semester of college everrrrrrrrrrrrr. Can't believe it. I love Roosevelt so much. This school has shown me what learning and opening your world is all about. ISU taught me a lot and there were some classes that I took that were just so fascinating and totally fed my interest in geography and what goes on around the world, but I was just so miserable there. It makes me sad because I could have succeeded if things outside of school were different, but I just needed to get my head on straight. And being in the city is nice.
Time to start my day!